A Year in Reflection

It has been a couple months since my last post. I have stepped away from blogging due to difficulties of life but I am back, slowly but surely recovering.  I have learned that many things have changed yet many stay the same. And through it all, I have Christ in my heart.

Last month, my daughter was diagnosed with osteosarcoma of the femur bone. It was shocking to say the least. A girl who had straight As, played travel soccer, track and field and one of the most healthiest child with a promising future, just had a setback with a life threatening disease. The good news is that it is localized, but the treatment can be up to a year and there is still surgery involved. Why the disheartening news?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. As I said earlier, I still have God in my heart and He will see me through. I just have to remember that whatever I am going through, it is just a season. I will get over my depression. Alyssa will be cured from cancer with no complications.

Last year, 2018, I certified to become a SoulCore leader - a fitness leader in a exercise movement to the prayers of the rosary. The exercise teaches us to meditate to Christ suffering, feeling his pain in each movement and learning to bear it all. During the certification, I read the book 33 days to morning glory and consecrated my life and that of my family to the protection of Mary. All this to say that I trust in God’s healing and the blessed mother’s intercession to see me and my family through no matter how I am feeling.

As I reflect on 2019, I see the hardships I faced with travel to a new assignment, separation from my family with my assignment to pursue a job that I have been wanting and enjoying every bit until I hit a wall. Then, seeing God work in me, as the rest of the year bears bad news. All this will end with 2019.  Because, as the staying goes, once you hit rock bottom you can only go up.

Smarter not Harder

There is a saying, work smarter, not harder.  Why has it been drilled in me to my very being, that everything pays off only through hard work and sweating. It doesn't have to be that way.

Since I was a child, I worked hard to get good grades.  Since I was a child, I worked hard to gain the love and attention of those around me.  Yet, life has passed me by and I broke a sweat trying to reach my goals.  Yet others do so, effortlessly.  They were smart about it.  How can I be smart as well?

This week, I decided there is a better way. That way is not having to insist anymore, but to go with the ebb and flow of life.  God knows what He's doing. And He will finish his work in me, not with endless struggles, but with ease.   

That's right. I won't insist. If someone doesn't want to--I will leave them be. If you're looking for a seal of approval from someone, and are not getting it, just leave it be. 

Today, after going to worship, I find a bit of encouragement when the pastor invited me to sing a solo during one of their services.  That was so nice.  Here I was, feeling discouraged by not getting approval from another church to sing a solo, and here I am, being welcomed with open arms.  It feels great to belong. It feels great not to work so hard.  It feels great to just go with the flow.

God I pray you continue to give me strength to move on from the energies of life that drain me and do me no good.  You have anointed us, we just have to trust.  Your arms are stretched out to me.

It doesn't have to be Complicated

Why do we think that accomplishments, goals or projects have to be worked up really hard to be successful?  Why do we think we need to be perfect?

Let me give you an example of what I mean. I would start a book, not finish it.  Why..Because I did not have the one slice of hour dedicated to read.  Example 2: I would tell my boss, no I don't want to do this assignment. I suck at it.  Because I know how anal I could be about it being perfect.  Well then I realized all of this as a lesson God is telling me.  It doesn't have to be perfect or complicated. It just has to get done.

We are taught to lead lives of perfection in order to be alright.  We are taught to meet a standard, a measure, a ruler if you will, to be excellent.  We strive for that.  And how do we measure success?
Validation.

This is faulty human thinking. It hinders us. It causes us anxiety.  It causes us to hate.  It causes us jealousy.

Sometimes acceptance is key, and there is nothing wrong with that. From the time I was young, I knew what I liked and what I wanted. Those desires have not changed. The fear that is linked to desire is still there.

Letting go is hard. It means abandoning our innermost desires and false comfort. I have a first step of  accomplishment that doesn't require outside validation.  And that is my own awareness.  So, with that it really doesn't have to be complicated.

Back to DC..Back to Reality

Well I made it back to DC in one piece. Actually my luggage straggled but it did eventually meet up. Sometimes I feel like life is nothing but a bunch of hyperboles. And one day things will be as they should as God intended. When you fail a test or an exam you failed what God wanted you to learn.  I’ve learned all of this in the past week through these hyperboles. Such as my luggage being lost and found; and being part of a group of IT specialists to prepare exam questions for our future recruits. “Choose THE best answer.” Thank you everyone, for choosing ME as your friend.  Thank you, hubby for choosing me to be your wife.

I had a great time off in FL and I felt like I did what I was supposed to do, during the visit. I felt more at peace also, thanks to the meditation even if some critics could say it is a cult. Well, if good things come out of it it can’t be that bad. As long as I hold onto the truth that there is still only one God.

I recently joined a minimalist group on Facebook and it was interesting, to say the least. I found a bunch of like-minded people. People who wanted to simplify their life and achieve happiness basically with much, much less.

It is odd that I consider my “physical life” to be minimalist but in fact I’m one of the most complicated people you’ll ever meet.

I guess I will end this entry by saying one plus one rarely equals two.

Empowerment

I am enjoying my assignment in DC.  One of the things I get to do as a privilege, is getting to be part of the big picture projects.

Yesterday I attended a presentation from Albanian high school students who were competing in a Technovation contest.  It was amazing to see empowerment in girls at such a young age and the talent and confidence they displayed.  They were presenting a pitch on a new smart phone app to help woman and girls in abusive and violent relationships.  Coming to the United States was daunting.  Presenting to a roundtable of government officials is a challenge and they nailed it. 

Believe it or not, no matter the language, no matter the country, the boundaries of violence does not transcend just a population -- it is every where and it exists still today.

I never really considered myself to be political.  But maybe I am..I have political and religious beliefs. I am from a country that values freedom, life and the pursuit of happiness.  Yes, as women, as minorities, as an identification of a religious belief, we are, in larger parts or small, persecuted when we DON'T remain silence.  Persecution is a killer.  It comes in many forms, don't be deceived.  It is a called from the bureaucracy of a higher "human" power is that "I'm in charge and you will be assimilated. Who wants to be in control.  Resistance is futile."

If there is one thing I learned in my 44 years of life, we are all taught to be conform in one way or the other. I just have to close my eyes and trust that I will be where I am meant to be, because fear served a purpose (for our ancestors) but we are all evolving and we need not let it cripple us. 

Out with the old...and in with the new. 

A Blessed and Beautiful Weekend

This weekend was special.  It started out with my will (and determination) to bike to work, now that I bought a new bike from a neighbor in the apartment community.  I was so determined that I went to Target and got my minimum - lock and helmet.  Then I began plotting my map.

The next day as always, things don't go as planned. I got lost and ended up in the trail by the river longer than intended. Luckily it was a Friday so I knew it wasn't going to be an emergency.  I got to work and into my cubicle by 8:30 am.  I left at 7:00 am.  Well, I guess not so bad in the great big scheme of things. I got to see all the monuments in DC, plus the Potomac river for free, via my two special legs LOL.

Saturday and Sunday, I decided to work on more home projects, but before that, I figured it was my turn to visit my brother and dad in Maryland, since they have been trekking down to Virginia. I've been wanting to attend this Asian Christian church since I got here and the timing just never worked out.  It was nice, the pastor was Thai and he spoke in Thai and then it was also translated into English.  So, I got the message twice, essentially and understood more, what God was trying to tell me.  It was amazing.  So glad to be back home and with "my people."  They are building their own church soon and so this first week, I was blessed to join their new mission in Maryland and their partner with the church there.  See below.

Oh, and as a plus, I got a pleasant surprise meeting with my cousin and her family at lunchtime. We were texting each other when we realized we were eating at the same mall!!  A blessing indeed!  And this morning, I got to sing with the Catholic choir, finally learning the music and the routine better.

Well, I had enough fun for the weekend.  Besides spending one hour and a half on the bike figuring things out *and* one hour drilling holes in my apartment wall (I am so not handy), I got my picture frame and art work wall up.  Blessed b the Lord.

Wall art - finally learned to do an anchor with a drill

 Not so straight, but oh well... 

Thai Christian Church DC

Making Dreams Work for You

Dreams are powerful tools at our down disposal.  Dreams are our own world..and at times, seems like reality that very moment. In our dreams, there are no limits.  We can do anything.  In dreams, we are the director.  There are no inhibitions.  Let dreams work for you.

I have had many dreams where I choreographed beautiful dances.  Well, at the time, I did not know I was a choreographer.  In the dream, I would be the student learning the dance.  When I woke up, I was like...For real? That was me? I made all that up? 

The other power of dreams is that they tell you messages.  I've been using the dream moods online app for some time and see the correlation and how symbolism make sense and that the brain uses symbolism when I had dreams.  In order to make sense of something, dreams are oftentimes symbols.  It might not apply to all of us, but whoever came up with the dream interpretation idea, well..had the right idea.  Human minds work alike.  We were molded by society in a way and so symbols represent the same thing for many people.  Naked=humility.  So dreams of being naked in public can mean feeling humility or vulnerable.  Dreams of shopping means, we are in search of something we are missing.  And the list goes on.

I see also that dreams can give us a different angle on a view.  It might highlight issues we're facing or give us creative ways to look at things.  Looking at things from a different angle is indeed more creative than thinking one dimensional.  Think of a straight picture frame and the rectangular shape of it.  Now move to the bottom left and look up at it.  It gives you a different perspective, sometimes more interesting.

I am making dreams work smarter for me.  For example, I used dreams to express creativity of dancing.  Now I know that I'm a choreographer in my dreams, I just used dreams to try and remember the dance I created.  I would somehow repeat it, while dreaming.  I would replay the "dance dream" in my head.  Essentially, I'm using dreams to not only be creative but to recall when I wake up.  Now isn't that something?

Dreams are not always prophetic and many people do not remember them.  You can explore your past and see where most of your memories dwell.  You can see where you are storing those powerful emotions that are waiting to be discovered.  Let dreams work for you.

The Hot Seat

After relocating to DC for nearly three months, I can see what the seat of Washington DC is looking like. And how my mindset was molded to this ideal, growing up in the not so distant city of Germantown, Maryland. 

This is the hot seat. This is where all the laws are passed, where all the decision making is made. This, boy and girls, is the heart of the building of our Nation. 

This week I am attending a week-long training called Washington Tradecraft. Although I am the minority in the audience of Consular, Overseas bureau officers, Political, Economic, Department of Homeland and the like...I am learning about the pressing issues in Washington, see who the key players are, and how to get the attention of those power-making people. Yes, I say people because it is a group consensus. No one person can make it all happen for you.  I guess this is what is meant by “government of the people, for the people and by the people.”

Wow, gives us a different perspective to be in the hot seat in the middle of the workings of our government. Don’t we all wish we were important? 

Bottom line. Things move fast with Congress. If you are not making it a pressing issue, it won’t be. You want change, make it urgent. You wanna keep up? Better be responsive and respond to that email. Oh, yeah and FaceTime is important if you want to survive in a world that associates names and faces, not “handles” and text messages. 

You are in the hot seat. Make your statement now if you want the word to get out, by next year. 

When I was a "Millennial."

It's amazing how time stops for no one.  I'm now 44 years old and have been in the US government since I was 18 years old (1993).  Today, the people who are in the workforce are millenial generation or those born in the 80s and 90s. 

I just reviewed my team's biographies and it got me thinking how I was when I was a tender age of 20-24 years which is the average millenial age now in 2019.  This is my perspective.  You guys have it better in terms of diversity.  When I was working in my first government agency, I was the youngest person there, and everyone treated me like their daughter. The office was diverse ethnically as it involved minority's health but not gender or age.  So that, played an important role in my development.

I moved on to join the US foreign service government agency and that was another animal in itself. It was competitive, it wasn't as diverse, and for years...I was the only young person where-ever I went.  I've gone through discrimination of all sorts.  And I'm still standing with an award for being in the government this long.

Now I'm back home in DC area, working in downtown DC and find that today's millenials have new dilemmas to face.  No one is problem free. We all need creative individuals.  At my time, I did what I can to get the job done. 25 years later, I'm still that person, more prudent and wiser. I'm trying to see reality as it is and I have been seeing it from my "judgementel and feeling" perspective according to the myers-briggs personality test. 

As a Xennial or Gen-X individual, I see now my contribution to today's world has benefits. Moderating chats using my typing skills, adapting to both traditional and new ways of doing business as I was born in the cusp of emerging computer technology.  I can write. I can type.  I know how data and statistics can be flawed.  I know one plus one does not equal two.  And I know we cannot see everything with the naked eye.

And I am looking forward to being a part of a force that brings us closer to the lives we were meant to live. 

The Stresses of Traveling

They weren’t lying when they said that traveling is stressful. Since I’ve been with the State Department I’ve had my share of stress during travel to include but not limited to: forgetting two of my sweaters at some places, forgetting a mouse, forgetting chargers, for getting food in the refrigerator, forgetting peoples names, and losing luggage in in route to Basrah, losing luggages in cabs. Of course I got them all back eventually. I just hope now I won’t be losing my mind. Lol!!  Although I feel like I left it in Florida.

For this short time I am inviting you into my world of traveling. I just traveled with my daughter who doesn’t go on plane rides, or travel much. I told her the plane was shaky because there were clouds in the sky and it has particles in it which causes plane to shake. I also told her that the pilot was a rookie pilot who didn’t know how to land the plane or fly it comfortably for passengers. Although the weather was funky but still I have had my share of flights just not on West Jet lol!!

The good side about getting this much travel is that I know what to expect. Which is to expect the unexpectable (tears of laughter).  One, knowing exactly when to turn airplane mode, when door has closed. Knowing to put seat up and tray tables back before taking off. Knowing exactly when a plane is about to land. Know the exact approximate time it takes to board and unboard the plane. 😂  Knowing the procedures for security check I can do it with my eyes closed. Knowing exactly what a hotel needs when you check in.  Knowing a good hotel from a bad hotel. Knowing a good bed from a bad bed.  Knowing that taking a carry-on is the best way to travel without waiting and packing smarter. There is probably more I can’t think of at this time. Last but not least, finally overcoming the fear of flying.

So I hope you enjoy reading and I invite you to travel more. Nothing can replace the eyes or experiences of a world traveler.  It widens your world just a little bit.

Defining Success

My work trip to Oregon was a success. Although it was not a huge turnout of people who registered versus people who came to the event, I think God helped me reach the people I needed to reach.  I believe we had quality of people versus quantity. I took my time talking to each individual, engaging them. 

One thing I also learned, coming out of the career event, that you can’t change what people are. Those who are right for the job and are interested will come forward. Doesn’t matter what you say, it is not about selling anymore. Sure we bring the positive side and get them interested, but we make it real and tell them what to expect. I am not in the business to waste anyone’s time on earth. 

My husband told me this morning in a text. Why do I keep expecting a different answer? Easy, because I truly haven’t accepted. No matter what I do, I can’t  convince someone (some people) to love me. 

So success is what we make of it. Human develop standards and measures, to define success. In the end, it all works out and we all learn something. Hopefully we will enjoy the journey while we learn about it, in our own way.

My Travel Days Are Not Over

I like to begin this blog entry with a question to Jesus.  Where are you sending me now?
I went to Sunday mass today, and one of the things that spoke to me during the homily was that Jesus asks us to follow His commandments.  If you love me, then follow my commandments.

We are caught between being children of Jesus, and our own desires. Sometimes, our desires seem to win over trusting Jesus.  I prefer this, not that.  This is to also say..

Jesus, I want to stop traveling. I want settle in one spot. But Jesus tells me, your work is not finished. I am now sending you to travel within the United States of America.  That's right, boys and girls.  My next trip is to Hillsboro, Oregon and if it wasn't for several high-level meetings in DC the week after I leave Florida, I *would have* also been sent to Minnesota.  Hmmmm....

It just appears to me, that when I came back from Baghdad, I thought I would be teaching computer courses in Fort Lauderdale.  That would mean I would not be traveling. But plans change because God is in control, LOL.  So with the extra funds, and a permanent instructor in place, they sent me on many trips to posts around Canada, Caribbean and South America to do site visits.  Then, I got DC as assignment hoping to do LOCAL DC travel. Now it's continental United States travel to recruit our future leaders.  Can't wait to see what God has plans for me. But hopefully, and I pray that His plans for me will soon be stable. For the sake of my own sanity.

Well, as we are short staff in my new office, it just may be that a way. Unless my future boss has access to a myriad of resources.  I am confident she will, because she believes that smarter, not harder is the way to go.  And me.. Smarter means fast typing and recruiting in virtual chat rooms (job fairs), moderating life webinars and Facebook events.  In the meantime, I'm OK with Toastmasters improving my verbal "eloquence" as Moses once said he did not have.

"Take no bag... and shake the dust off my feet for those who do not welcome you"
Matthew 10:11-14  Ministry of the Twelve

Three Days in my New Alexandria Home

OK, so it’s a mini move.. A move within a move.  I left my short term apartment rental in Falls Church into my new non-permanent home (LOL) well, at least I will be here for two years.  The funny thing, we say we own houses, we own property but in the end, we own nothing.  From dust we come and from dust we shall return.  Lease, rent, buy a car or a house.. what difference does it make to the universe, that knows no time?  It’s humans that assign value.  It’s humans that assign a timeline.

I’m happy to start a new timeline in this apartment.  I cannot believe how convenient my new location is. I’ve got 3 ways to get to the highway.  Did I mention that the GPS rarely takes me the same route twice, since I’ve been in the DC area??  So I got 2 different options to hit the main highway, I’m at least 7-10 minutes FROM everything, from Bed Bath and Beyond, to Target, Home Depot, Harris Teeters (Whole Foods  equivalent for those out of state) and just about anything you think of.  Yes, coffee houses and Pho Vietnamese noodle.  For now I can’t complain.

Last night I had one too many fires I had to put out.  I was out shopping at IKEA in College Park at a very fine hour — yes, when it’s nighttime and everyone has gone home. I got SOO much done in two hours. Then, I drove home in light traffic and by the time it was 9:30 PM I told myself there ain’t no way I’m cooking and cleaning.  Let me just stick a gluten-free pizza (which is prescribed by my doctor) since it’s no fuss, no muss.  YEAH, I make plans and God laughs at them.

The stove from the 1970s was a gas stove..No digital buttons and preheating is NOT really needed. I went to the bathroom thinking NO rush..only to find a cloud of smoke in the hallway.  I quickly grabbed my pizza threw it in, and turned on the fan.  Crab, this 1970s fan has no power in it!!! Argghhhhhh!!  It’s either low or medium-low, no such thing as High.  Then, lucky me I hear the smoke detector beep.  It continued and finally I opened the door to see a curious neighbor. He came in to see what as going on.  I’m still on high-emergency alert thinking I’m going to burn the apartment complex down on my third day.  Turns out after opening a few doors and using my towel to swoosh at the detector, I was able to put out “fire.” Meanwhile, my pizza was still cooking.  Whew..I got to eat.  (Thank you neighbor, for your moral support and suggestions!!!)

Well, now I realize my bathroom clog was not fixed and I knew, from reading the reviews, that getting service done here was not ideal. I quickly googled Target hours and see that they close at 11 PM. Yayyyy Target.  And as I mentioned earlier, I was 7 min away from everything.  Got my new Target designer plunger.  Whew..The night was rescued.  By Bo or by God, I got what I needed done.

Can’t wait to find out what my remaining week will be like.  Lean not on my own understanding.

The New Nomad

I know I've been a nomad in the sense of traveling and adapting to new cultures. I did not know to what extent. It's scary to think I am a nomad because I make a checklist of things to do before I move and I remember most of it without having to rely on the checklist. Nomdadic compulsive disorder (NCD)?

It's survival nomadic skills 101!  What are the perks of a nomad?  Non attachment to things. I mean, how can you own so much and lug it with you? Two, we are the best kind of fakers in the world. We can learn your language, learn your style, and speak one or two things to your situation.

We learn not to depend on any sort of stability, no matter the circumstances. Anything and every thing is subject to change. Therefor, don't get too comfy. That cool boss you just started working for is not going to stick around.

Well, I guess I can appreciate being a jack of all trades after all. A tree that cannot flex as the Chinese saying goes, will simply fall over during a bad storm.

God bless you all. 

Blessings Pour In

It's been a tremendous Mother's Day so far.  I can't ask for more. I didn't expect too much, other than a peaceful Sunday.

It started with church service at 9 AM. I sang with the choir and for the first time since I joined, I'm now catching on. It took some navigating to learn their systems here.  I am a chameleon by trade, I have to learn to adapt. That's what chameleons do. Granted I had tried to change a few "systems" only to make it backfire on me. People are creatures of habit.

Back to Mother's Day. Got my morning cup of Joe followed by a pampering spa session. Then, went to return some stuff from Bed, Bath and Beyond, after I learned a few of the items I bought will not work. Funny how God works things.  They do not recycle at the apartments I am moving into, so the trash can I bought will work out after all, thankfully.  Back in the 1950s they didn't recycle a lot. Therefore, my hubby's system of bringing it to the garage while keeping aesthetics working in the kitchen worked beautifully.  Not today.

Then, my brother and dad showed up and we had a nice takeout lunch at 1:00 pm. I was planning on going to an Asian bible study I have been meaning to go to. You know you lived too long and had a wide vast experience when you realize it's Mother's Day and they most likely they are not going to have one.  My dad called the Christian church and got that right... whew!

I ended the last 20 minutes booking my internet online with Xfinity. I got a chat pop up on my window and got everything done online, without having to step inside an Xfinity store. How nice.  Let's hope no more hiccups. Oh yeah...and the salesperson told me $13 a month.... I'm like yeah right. Can't trick me.  I'm 43 AND I'm an IT person. I'm worst than a parole officer (LOL.......from the words of a person I met on Friday).  At least I'll save $20.00 with a self-install package.  Dag...I knew I chose profession in the 1990s. Grandma did know best, afterall.

Well, I hope your mother's day was as great as mine.

Dear George Washington

As we head into the 4th week of Easter, we continue to see what Jesus's path takes us to -- that is to the Holy Ghost (Holy Spirit).  I want to direct this blog as a letter to George Washington, the founding father of America.

Dear George:

When you and your allies got together at the round table, you established basic rules and authority to take into the account of the future, not knowing how we would evolve or how the dynamics would change. It occurred to me, you made sure there were no one absolute power. You also made sure there was a system in place to ensure these powers were not abused (aka bureaurcacy).  Bureau-CRAZY? Yes. Some days it drives me nuts. But there was a reason for everything.  And though we know not what they are, we believe all actions--past, present and future, stem from the Holy Ghost.  Amen.

George, today because of strong spirited people, fighters, warriors, and people of integrity; We are made up of more than just a type the world a accepted at your time.  We are made up of strong men and women (gender), people of various ethnicity (race), and people who don't fit gender as society defines it (LGBTQ), time on the physical body (age) and finally but not in the least, people who choose to believe in their higher power(s) that governs our universe (religion).

Life was so simple in your days. I bet everyone was less stressed! But there were more hardships than we can ever imagine that in your days were NOT available; clean water (but you adapted to it). Motor vehicles (did you say run for fun??) or computers to make us smarter  (PS -- that was facetious).

George, I thank you for what you put in place for us.  Now we as a society must adapt to our ever changing environment for purpose of the survival of the human race.  Heck if you could do it, so can we.

Which one will it be for now?  Survive?  Or Jesus rescues?

Cast your Cares

I am looking for a little inspiration today. It is a bit dreary with the non stop rain. But it too is a message.

With the terrible things happening in the world today, we have to hold to the promises of Jesus. The righteousness will come to those afflicted. Cast your cares on him today, because his yoke is light.

I read an article in Catholicanswers.com that the rigid rules of the Jewish law originated from Moses to reach heaven. Jesus came to lighten the load so you didn’t have to bare the burden. 

“Galatians 2:16 has nothing to do with the Catholic belief that good works and receiving the sacraments are necessary, but not sufficient, for salvation. Deciding who spends eternity in heaven remains entirely the prerogative of our loving Creator, who has given ample guidance to the faithful. Our Protestant brothers and sisters have been misled about the meaning of the text, so let us gently show them their error (2 Tim. 2:25).” 

So I interpret this as...We are all one body of believers in Christ. Your way of worship is not better than mine. In the end, it comes down to how we love God and one another, not how we worship.  God decides on judgement day, who is worthy of entering His kingdom.

Friends and Comparison

As I was growing up, I often wondered why I didn't have friends who were my age.  Actually, it seemed more so starting in college, when I got along better with older people.  My girlfriends were on average 7-10 years older.  Why couldn't I get along with someone my age?

Then I think back to my first friends I made as a child. My first friend was a boy in kindergarten who taught me how to tie my shoes in school. It was my early social interactions and I felt accepted by him.  Then, first grade Catholic school, was my first best friend Melanie. She left after the first grade, and I felt abandoned.  I thought I never find a best friend again.  I was always shy and making friends didn't come easy.  Moving around different cities in Montgomery County with little stability didn't help either.

I came to the conclusion that maybe I never felt like I fit in with the perfect, popular cool Caucasian girls my age. To me, I thought they were better, and I didn't feel good enough.  The other friends who I did find and were my age, was Christine who was Chinese, who I met in 10th grade and of course, my Thai cousin who lived in the USA since she was 12-16 years old.  These friendships were short-lived.  Other than that, I never had a stable friend who was exactly or around my age.

When I got my first government job, I was working with a loving group of minorities who saw me as their child, not as their competition. It was one working environment I dream of being in again, because I felt loved and I felt the people there were genuine.  Thinking back how I could not relate to younger people or people my age, I think it wasn't them.  I think it was me.

The law of attraction says that we attract reality to us.  If we see the glass half empty, it will be empty. If we think something bad is going to happen, we tend to fulfill our prophecy.  So I thought I could not get along with a girl my age because in my mind, she intimidated me and I might have intimidated her.  Maybe I was different, physically, and maturity wise.  As I read these questions on Quora, I realize that many people who felt like me, just didn't have a knack for making friends.

My first best online pal from AOL was 10 years older.  We wrote almost everyday for many months and we felt a connection.  We both like Star Trek the Next Generation.  I had several snail mail penpals, and my best one is Asian American and we were more like diary-mates.  We still keep in touch and met each several times over the course of our lives.

Today, my best friend is also older.  I think I am drawn to people who are genuine, loving and compassionate or accepting toward me.  Not someone competing against me, which I perceive to be the case.  So all you who are 43 and under... what are your comments? Do you believe in my theory of "attraction" or was I to you, someone hard to get to know?

Friends are not there for competition.  We as humans, cannot help comparing ourselves, but that is probably the underlying cause. It's the ego's fallacy telling us "I have to be better than my friend. That's the only way I can feel better about myself."  It's about how we fit in the world as we relate to one another.  So I can end now with as many cliches I can think of, when it comes to friends.

"With friends like that, who needs enemies."

"Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer."

"In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend."

"A friend in need, is a friend indeed."

"That's what friends are for."

"I'll be there for you." 

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." - Helen Keller

A difficult Subject

I completed my first practice speech on Moralistic Therapeutic Deism at yesterday's toastmasters.  I researched it for a while and finally was able to write the speech.  I practiced it over the weekend, and I knew what I had to do, to make it convincing.  In the end, how did my speech go?  I definitely improved in many areas - I varied my tone of voice. I didn't use my notes verbatim.  I made eye contact with the audience and I even walked the floor. I used body language.  These are things I had to do!!  In the end, when it came to judgement, my speech did not win any prize.  Not even "most improved."  The person who who won both first place and most improved, dressed up as Charlie Chaplin and had a big smile on his face.

This is to say, that my speech was not worse.  I believed I had more content.  My subject was about God. Who likes the subject?  Not the majority of my audience apparently.  Did he do a better job with delivery? His speech was about using visual aids, which he did great.  However 4 of those 7 minutes was spent showing his work on YouTube as Charlie Chaplin. Everyone loved his gear.  Furthermore, he couldn't get his laptop to work.  But he had a smile on his face..AND the topic was not about God.

We were both unprepared?  Absolutely. He spent 15-20 min fixing a problem to get his laptop to work.  I did not memorize my speech and actually apologized at the beginning by trying to use the word "acumen" to help add count to the word of the day. I was very nervous, my mouth was dry and so I missed many points I wanted to tell the audience because I wasn't fully prepared.  In the end though, I think I delivered what I felt God wanted me to deliver.  Maybe my writing was just a guideline.

Point of being -- I myself grew up as one of the MTD - Moralistic Therapeutic Deism.  I went to church, I did the motions, but I did not have a relationship with the Lord. I thought He was someone in heaven watching me from above. I didn't see God in other people.  I went to a church in Belgium..one of those that look like Notre Dame.  The walls echoed. The readers and the priest did not articulate well to me.  I felt like I wasn't being fed. Then I left the Catholic church.  Fast forward some ten years later, after joining other Christians, diving deeper into the bible and fellowship, I've come to learn of God as the trinity.  He lives in all of us.  Our brethren has the spirit of God in him. Jesus says, "whatever you do to the least... you do it for me."  In the Catholic Church, I felt judged. And I judged. One time I visited a church outside my home as a little girl.  The priest (I believe) maybe he was a Eucharistic minister was giving me communion. He looked at me strangely like someone he never saw before.  It is one look I will never forget.

I was in my own church and I did not feel authenticity from the people among me. It made me question, who are these "spiritual" people? They look no different than the people at the gym or outside the church. 

Lessons learned:  Everyone's spiritual level will always be different. I became a better Christian through relationship with His people, His followers by deeply delving into the bible.  Sure, the Eucharist is among the most important thing of the Catholic Church.  But so is the word and living the gospel daily, not just going to church weekly. Its simply not enough.  And I hope that the future of our faith will not turn into a water-down version of Christianity as Damon Link says author of "Theology has its Consequences."  We need to act now.  It's a difficult subject, but an important one.

The Great Escape

It's my first trip back home to Florida, since I relocated to Washington D.C.  Upon landing, I almost felt like I was in a foreign land.  And before I knew it, I felt at home again.

Alyssa and I got the chance to experience one of her favorite things to do since her discovery last Christmas, the escape rooms.  As a parent, you learned to do what your child does, even though you yourself, have no desire in such activities!  Hey, isn't that sacrifice?!?!  We did have fun, but solving problems and puzzles, are not my thing.  As it turns out, the level of difficulty as well as rating, was probably not as appropriate as I imagine, especially for children under 13.  Nevertheless, it was a valuable learning experience and was definitely not for nothing.

Lessons Learned

1).  Use your resources wisely, and you can maximize your time.
2).  Name-calling and screaming can be detrimental to achieving the goal, that is to survive.
3).  The team member must obey authority.  Example: In this case, Alyssa has great mathematical and puzzle solving skills.  But to divide and conquer as she and the "over-head" voice said to do, I believe we didn't fully tap into our gifts to make the most of the situation.  She did not listen to her mother to solve the puzzle first and, as it turns out, the puzzles were not even all there.  We had to unlock more keys to get the remaining pieces.  Yes, by 30 min., I was thoroughly frustrated.  Sorry honey, I really didn't mean to scream at you. 

Result =  We almost made it.  Now I said almost, because we opened the tunnel and was in the last room, which was quite dark and quite scary.  The wind grew louder, I actually screamed for the staff to turn off the eerie sounds..Too close to reality.  The sound of the wind, the cobwebs, and the whispering voices grew louder and louder.  Within seconds, Bo and Alyssa ran back to the front of the room, as we could not go forward with the fear and pressure in a dark room.

I can't say I was proud.  But upon reading reviews on Trip Advisor, I felt so much better when a team  of nine could not escape either. LOL, God says don't compare!  And I shouldn't.  But I needed to know how bad we did.  Turns out we were part of the 90% that didn't escape.  What a relief.

April 19, 2019, the Lost Tomb of Monthu

The great american escape room 

AND the one in Ontario..Much more fun!  Time Machine..Yes, we completed it.

Kid friendly and the hosts added ten minutes to our time.

December 30, 2018

http://www.ptboescape.com/

The Ego vs. ID

“You don’t serve me anymore, therefore I don’t need you.” Do we really live such egocentric lives? Is it always “about us.” Let’s dig into this a little further.

Several weeks ago I spoke with a wise Father. I did not know him. But I believed him. You could say I saw through his exterior all the way to his interior. He mentioned to me some very important elements I would not forget. He told me that he was not a PHD in psychology but considers himself a soul doctor. He told me that what differentiates us between animals is that we have the conscience to chooose what is right and wrong — we don’t let our animal instincts guide our behavior. He said that people walk around wearing masks and that beauty was skin deep. Most importantly he told me that no one on earth, even the most perfect and Godliest of all Godly people is not perfect.

Back to the science of “it’s about me.” If we go by our automatic egocentric behavior, we revert into living creatures without a soul. Or if I use the term “animal” (i.e., he is an animal) in this context, it is negative. Why?? Because we know that animals in general don’t have a conscience and though they live and survive based on the ID, they are not trusting God for their survival. Please comment if you would like to defend for your furry friend here. Some dogs appear to have egos!!

When we turn to God, we let go of serving our egos and pride and do the “right thing.” We May have to suffer as a result, but at this point our interest is no longer in us, but in the other person we are sacrificing for.  That is love.

I often confuse the meaning of love with behavior that serves me. I confuse love with excited feelings that make me want to procreate. This is what the media teaches us. Love is a physical passion, and emotion. 

Actually, love is not that. So this Father tells me that love is not actually an emotion. He gave me a prime example. He said love is Jesus dying on the cross for us. Think about it. Even most movies I saw depicted Jesus is a very kind, calm but not “emotional” or zealous to say the least.

Here, I conclude with this piece from the below website. “The soul desire is the integral part of oneself that wants to be in touch with their highest purpose. This is the desire which feeds your spiritual center and provides you with a contentedness, as well as a sense of fulfillment that is pervasive and permanent.”

So let us deny ourselves and our ego, in pursuit of our higher self — the soul.  I will be praying about it.

Reference 

http://insightfulinnovations.com/zykrblog/ego-versus-soul-desire

Self Actualization

Years and years ago, I heard of a book titled “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.” I don’t know why it has been on my reading list for the longest time, yet I failed to read it (listen) until now. Maybe I knew subconsciously I wasn’t ready for it.

Then life happened. I grew up. Emotionally. I gained wisdom. I knew what frustration was about. I knew why I blamed people. I knew why my partner blamed me. I knew why I was jealous and angry...and the answer is fear.

It isn’t surprising that the answer I found in the book was something I had figured out in the past year, if not past several months.  Why did I hang onto fear? Because I just wasn’t ready to take full responsibility. I wanted to stay the victim. Self-comforting felt good. That was relying on myself to provide comfort because I feared, no one will.

When I listen to older people during my youthful days say, “I wish I had the knowledge now and go back in time”’or something along those lines, NOW I know what they meant. Sometimes you can have the answers handed to you. Self-Actualization happens through your own life experiences. Maybe you won’t believe it now, but try reading this post maybe in a year, or two.

I look at my daughter now and think to myself, I need to teach her these things so she won’t repeat my mistakes. It is not what this is about. I am protecting her from the ugly truth. Doesn’t matter what I do, life will teach her. Her personality, influences and what God gave her was already different from me to begin with. 

I truly want to share with the youth, my knowledge. Maybe now you can take that knowledge and reshape the future somehow. The world is always changing in relation to the now, so I trust you will.

Here are some quotes from the book, “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”. Enjoy!!

“Replace the inner chatter box with a loving voice.”

“Don’t blame outside forces.”

“Trust that you will always have what you need.”

“If all your giving is about getting, you will be fearful.”

“When we let someone be who they are without trying to change them, that is giving away love.”

“When we let go and let them learn and grow without us, we are giving away love.”

Self-actualization is getting in touch with our higher self.

Third Week - Washington DC

It's my third week in DC and I'm slowly, but surely setting in.  Even by myself, sometimes I feel like there is not enough hours in the day to do what I want.  I am blessed to have this quiet time to contemplate and really soul-search.

So what I am searching for? Meaning and purpose in life. Finding a positive way to belong in society besides just making money.  Reconnecting to my past and how I can let go of the pain I hung on to for a long time, thinking it defined who I am.

I am a woman, I am Asian, I'm a mother...I'm a Catholic.  I am petite. I have straight, black hair. I am aging. I am 142 lbs. And I want to love all of myself, so much more than I have in the past. And this doesn't mean, putting other people down to make myself feel better. It means, accepting the gifts that God gave me, and knowing that he chose me to carry out his great commission.

It's not easy representing him...and the U.S. Embassy at the same time.  But with great responsibilities, I have to take sensitivity in how I say things and how they may be perceived.  I have to have God's view and how He sees others.  Not how I see others.  It's hard, I just hope that at the end of the day, I did what was pleasing to Him.

I got the chance to be part of a new affinity group at my job called GRACE - Government Recognizing All Christian Employees.  GRACE is more than a group just for Christians.  It is a group that fosters expression of religious freedom whatever they may be. It is a gentle invitation to nonbelievers, inviting them into our world, to let them see our mission, what we do and why it's important. 

Besides these opportunity, I have the opportunity to improve lives of employees that come into our organization - strengthening the workforce, recruiting and outreach.  I've always believed that I am reaching out to people, inviting them into the love of Christ.  What can be more appropriate than a job who's core IS outreach.

For now, I'm blessed and I can't wait to see what else He has planned for me.

Death, in more ways than one

Today I visited my mom's grave site.  I haven't been here since winter of 2015.  I felt more at peace here than before. It made me think about what death is and why humans in general, are afraid of it. It's the end of something that once existed.

Death, of a loved one, can be devastating.  Death of love that once existed between husband and wife can be devastating.  Why is it that we evade it so much.  This is a mystery in itself.  Because it is one thing in life that is certain, whereas everything else is not.

You never can measure the love that your family or your friends have for you.  Or how much happiness money can bring you.  We all work hard in life for ideals and things we believe are success.

But since death is viewed as sadness, tragedy, and ending, what then, is the purpose of life.  I guess this is one of the questions philosophers have wrestled with since the beginning time.

We are in existence for a purpose, that I believe is sure.  We may not be able to see it with the naked eye, but it is the basic common belief of all living things.  Good...bad... pain...pleasure.  Animals have basic needs to be loved and comforted, as do humans.  Being alive means being in communion with other living beings.  Death is something we try to not to think about. Because one day, it will come.  We don't know when.  And death separates us from life...from togetherness.

How can die to self? I have been hearing this message in more ways than one this lenten period. Dying to self is putting our life, hope, fears and failures to the one who never dies - Father of creation. He is the beginning and the end.  He never dies, and he holds the secret to eternal life.

I've relied on myself to survive thus far.  Now it's time I die to self and rely on God the Father, so that I may die from old ways of thinking, from fear, from anything that separates me from His love. 

Lord take the helm.

Savannah, Georgia

Saturday evening, March 23, 2019. I am in Savannah, GA.  This wasn’t part of my PCS (permanent change of station) trip. I missed my train ride from Sanford, FL. I failed to realize that the auto train is only offered there, which was near Orlando. Oh well...I guess it was a blessing in disguise as so far I got to visit the Kennedy Space museum and see Savannah which was what I had originally intended to do. 

I didn’t have a plan so I just went with Trip advisor and saw that Bonaventure Cemetary was listed as an attraction. The photo looked nice and I liked the name because it was our church’s Patron saint. I am glad I booked the tour. It was long but I learned so much. And it was relaxing and for an afternoon I thought nothing at all, except of the property’s history and beauty.

Next I just picked a couple of sites and used Google Maps app to plot my self-driving tour. Interesting to say the least..Saw the river front, historic area where there was a horse carriage and a wedding going on..Last but not least a community park and a few churches. After a while, most city layouts has the same. This one according to the map had many squares!! After 2.5 hours of walking at Bonaventure Cemetery I wasn’t about to do any more downtown. So that was my day!!

Ready for tomorrow...where I will catch up with my cousin in Chesterfield, Virginia!!

Bell 🔔 to detract grave robbers. Didn’t work out that much. 

Stories of urns, drapery, flower beds, famous gravesites and statued headstones

Beautiful

My last day in sunny Florida.  At least for another three weeks until I come back to see my family.  It has been very emotional for me these last few weeks.  God said He would not give me more than I can handle.  It's time for me to go.

Yesterday was an amazing day for me.  Because I felt like for the first time in a long time, I truly connected with my daughter. We ended our afternoon by attending self-defense class.  I chose to do this last activity for her as a mental and physical reminder of her strength.  I'm happy for her, that she already has many of the skills to defend herself and would not let anyone walk over her.  At least I'd like to try to believe I gave her enough love to let her trust the world, and to be empowered.  I also feel strong finishing the class, knowing that although I started out maybe powerless, I can transform myself and prepare for any future battle that comes my way.

I finally finished my angel painting. I've been wanting to do this for almost a year.  Alyssa knows because the canvas has been blue and empty sitting in the corner for quite some time.  I couldn't ask of a better way to end my afternoon by painting the colors of my angel, one to watch over my family.  I've already consecrated myself to Mary.  She will take care of the rest.  As much as I want to believe how many times I've been ugly..And I mean in a behavioral way which of course can lead to me feeling ugly on the outside.  I've end my day the way it should...Beautiful.

I got a wonderful e-mail from a close friend with also the comment "beautiful."  It gave me such encouragement that I needed to hear.  SoulCore was one of the journeys I've taken where I felt like I had something positive to contribute to the community.  And it was said at least twice at the end of the sessions I've lead, "that was beautiful."  SO I will end my journey here and remember those words...Beautiful.

For God’s Glory

Yesterday I got to present on career day for the eighth grade classes of North Miami middle school about jobs with the Department of State. This endeavor began just a month ago in preparation for my assignment as IT recruiter in Washington DC. It was definitely a satisfaction for me because I feel like my practice in participating in Toastmasters to becoming a more confident and engaged speaker has resulted in a message that God wanted me to deliver to these young kids. I can see by my eye contact with some of them that they have a hope, that they care about their future. I thank the Lord that he gives me the opportunity to focus on helping others.

 As for my own personal emotional pain it’s part of the suffering Jesus had to go through on the cross and I know that MARY will intercede for me because that’s all I have left.  I will I not rely on my own self to fix relationships, to try to defend myself, or to try to explain why I do what I do.  In the end it’s a no-win situation because people see what they want to see.

Every message that I have has an intent and purpose, and when it’s received it may be taken well (or not).  I pray that God will continue to give me clarity to communicate more clearly in an age where people are more disconnected than ever by technology and its limits. 

Time to enjoy the rest of my warm weather before I head to the cold. God Answers my prayer in his own way.  I wanted to be a model or an actor something that will bring me attention and love. But that wouldn’t be for His glory. But instead He chose me to be a recruiter where I do get to stand in front of a crowd influence them and inspire them, not for my glory but for His.

I will continue my journey to try and let love shine. It will meet up with resistance and persecution, but I must believe and bear all things.  Because true love never fails. 

A Transitional Time

Day 7. Like every other move there are many things that happened during transition time. You start to have dreams that tells you how you feel about the move..For example in my dream I was envious of Jason for having more stability and friends, whereas on my side, it was scarce. 

Another thing that happens during transition is that people begin to disconnect or disengage from you, personally and professionally, which can be a good or a good or a bad thing. You might feel sensitive that they no longer need you or you can accept the fact that this is a life and they are starting to depend on other people.

It is an anxious time no doubt. But it is also time to celebrate a new beginning. This weekend I got to spend some time with old friends and the soccer family which was such a blessing. Makes me happy to continue to add to my gratitude list with the love around us.

A new beginning for spiritual growth and for new skills. Toastmasters is my next endeavor and hopefully, theater.  Anything to better communicate orally. So much of our relationships depend on this. After all, if you heard the statistics before, the other party receives not nearly half of what the sender intended. There is even a nice chart about percentage that make up communication 

by Professor Mehrabian. Shocking that 38% is nonverbal. Thanks to the internet huh? If you want a truthful answer, see them eye to eye.

With that thought, think in complete sentences before you speak!  And watch that body language :D Time to get back to my last week in Florida.

You Will Know When

Day five of staycation. I went to the meeting with all the big peeps or should I say IT managers of various US embassies as well as the FRC regional management director about a federation group that decides on computer applications to be rolled out to the North and South America. I went mostly to network but I really didn’t know what the meeting was about it. At the end of meeting I kind of felt foolish for being the least informed. But they were all nice and thankful that I was there. God accomplished what he wanted me to do there. 

It has been two days since the prayer session. Suddenly, old memories start to surface. It is amazing the power of prayer. God has tried to tell me my faulty ways of perceiving the world yesterday and still today, and how can I be free of such bondage.  

Bottom line..I cried and was frustrated that I still feel the way I do. It’s like...”God are you hearing me?!?! Change me.” And his answer was... “I will let you know when.”

So I continue to pray with strength and leave you with this song in mind, “Tears in Heaven.” Oddly enough I heard the song growing up and I was not into it, nor was I connected to it.

https://www.smule.com/p/1238469549_2841961656

Enjoy

"My Child You are Loved" says God

Day three of staycation continues. What have I learned..well I’ve learned that you have to sharpen the saw otherwise old habits creep in. A goal is not achieved just once. Maintenance is the hardest part. I also learned that in life you must take risk and not be afraid to be vulnerable that’s the only way you can grow. We are never the same, as we grow from our mistakes. No human on earth is perfect. 

Tennis lesson went well instructor says. “Bo stop hitting so hard.”  Why am I trying so hard to just make it over the line there is always an easier way and working *smarter* not harder is possible. Slicing the ball and changing the angles you get different results.

I got with a prayer group and I find out a few things.  I shouldn't be self-reliant on myself for my success or even changing myself to become a better person. I was taught that I had to depend on myself such as working through college, getting my own job.. I didn't depend on the Almighty when it was actually the Almighty who enabled me to come this from me.  It was the Almighty who allowed me to stay in this job this long, to be making this much money, who gave me so many talents to share.  I need not feel guilty or ashamed for using the tools God gave me to provide for my own comfort.  This is the devil talking.  

And for those of you who envy me.  DO not.  There's not much to be envious if you knew how many demons I have to fight.  Everything on the surface appears fine, but like Father told me...it's all a mask we all put out.  What is your mask?  Yes, I'm envious of you. Of your confidence, of your talents, of your ability to be independent and because of the threat of you taking away God's love from me.  

I will pray that God gives you more talent, and that *I* can bask in your glory and be happy for you.  I pray that love will continue to be abundant for you.  There is no limit with love.  Love is NOT an emotion like in the movies.  Love is sacrifice like what Jesus did on the cross.  Love is not self-seeking.  God's love grows, the more I give.

In Jesus name.

Staycation before I leave Florida

I ended my last day of work last week quite gracefully.  I checked out months ago, cleaned my office and had all the signatures necessary.  Since the time I was working in my first federal job, I thoroughly left trails and training for people of the things I did for that office.  That's just how I work.  I was 24 years old at the time.  Fast forward 19 years later and I'm still that same person.  I'm considerate and I like to pay things forward.  I'd like to think of myself that way.

Well, now I have two weeks off to truly disengage, enjoy my vacation and just find "me" time.  Do me, find out what makes ME happy and continue my soul search.  To start off, yesterday I did tennis lessons and took advantage of a membership and lesson sale.  I realized over the years, I took lessons with some 6 coaches, all with different techniques.  Who's going to be the one to bring out the best in me?  The coach I had yesterday showed me a few things and just like that, I picked it up.  Did he find out what my strength was?  It was fun and relaxing.  After the lesson, I went to get my nails done with Rena, who my personal trainer referred me too, a couple years ago.  I liked her from the first time I met.  There's a reason I keep going back to her.  I think we both connected and she does a fantastic job.  Sometimes I like to go to the nail salons and just absorb the quiet time.  Other times, I go just to talk and maybe get wisdomly advice.  She was that wisdom I was looking for.  I ended the beautiful sunshine day by kayaking with my daughter.  What did I learn from the session?  Well, I learned that Alyssa likes to take control and have fun...She hates that I'm serious all the time (because I'm scared of her falling in the water --the girl is fearless).  She says, "don't you want me to have fun" and I tell her, "Why are you always teasing me."  She definitely did not get the sillyness from me.  We had a great time, and I learned that there is give and take and eventually we can paddle in the same direction to move forward.

Today, is just therapeutic day meeting with old friends from my greeting card ministry for lunch.  I really missed the group.  I continue my soul searching. It may seem like I seek out so much answers, but truth be told, I'm seeking inspiration.  In the end, I determine my answer and the course of action *I* want to take. 

I now end my staycation day ubering Alyssa to soccer practice. I would say not so much staycation with dishes, laundry and driving to LOL. I suppose, depending, you do that on vacation as well. 

The soul searching continues tomorrow... So far the wisdom I received in two days was... "Do Bo and find something you will fit into."  That's right, there's no need to try and fit into something that will never be Bo.  Not worth the work, frustration, and exhaustion.

A Short Blog: Not so Anonymous

Something I wanted to just jot down before I forget.  My therapist told me that writing a diary is a great way to vent. I’m going to go back to that. I just think in a world where we receive more information than our ancestors ever did, there is a necessity to process that information – in the form of writing, speaking, and venting. 

This weekend I went to a great retreat. It was called "Mercy and Mary," and the reason I heard about it was from my friend I met through a Magnificat seminar. Oddly enough, this was when I had just completed 33 days to Morning Glory, as part of the SoulCore training experience.  In an essence, I feel like God has made this journey for me possible because it was meant to happen.

As my departure from Florida is coming closer, I feel like I’m more than ever, close to achieving God’s plan.  I feel like Jonah from the bible story.  Like Jonah, God had a plan to do something…and Jonah runs away only to get swallowed by a whale (fish).  Until he completed his plan, he would not be able to leave.  He had to accomplish what God set him to do.  Like him, with the government shutdown and what not, I really wanted to leave Florida.  But could not.  It was the “fight or flight” reaction I had to the stress and frustrations I was facing all around.  I never said I was perfect. I was always evaluating and judging people, yet the plank in my eyes was larger.

The bottom line. I’m not afraid to admit I am broken. Who isn’t broken? Even the saints were broken.  What I learned from the retreat is this..God wants us to keep our brokenness. It’s a way for us to stay connected to Jesus. It’s a way to perfectly love him.  We can be “perfectly” like him just like that verse in the bible says, “Be perfect like your heavenly father is perfect” by LOVING him perfectly.

First we accept and then we can heal.  Thank you AA group - let me accept what I can, and cannot change.  Amen.

Human Condition

I think it is about time I posted a blog entry. They say wisdom comes with age. This couldn’t be more true.

As a mom in her early 40s, all the emotions I get as a young girl are still inside of me. Our brain is like a computer 💻 , retrieving  files like they were yesterday. As a young girl I was very eggocentric. Now that I am older, I try to take the perspective outside of myself and see truth.

More often than not, the human condition and emotions are more similar than we imagine. With this in mind, we can take steps to be more loving towards ourselves.

https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/

Take this quiz and see where you rank.