Seasons of Change

For those who follow me on my blog, I like to share my travel stories simply because it’s been my life and my career. I’ve seen many things experience many things that I wouldn’t have, if it wasn’t for this career choice, and I’m grateful for these experiences.

It’s difficult, but I wanted to share some life changes that I’ve recently been through that I like to call them seasons of change. I’ve been through depression before many times I’ve suffered from anxiety, some depression more severe than others to the point that my clearance was pulled luckily I got over them and because I got over them in the past I know that I can get over them again. I have so much to offer so much expertise so much life experiences so much training so much talent. I can’t let a simple mood swing or depression so to speak handicap me for a short period.

Today I went to talk with a mentor that I’d like to consider my mentor anyways and he says that I should do things that make me happy. Something so simple yet so profound why don’t I do things that make me happy? some things cost money some things don’t I used to have a ton of hobbies. I used to have so much ambition because I believed in myself in accomplishing what I set out to do whether it’s to finish the certificate or to get a new job. I can’t let these seasons of change cause depression in me.

My divorce was final, on October 16.  Final decree and now I'm back to single status, at least in the eyes of the civil court. I am not rejoicing over something I failed. I know it’s A two-way street and it takes two people to make it work. I think failing God hurts me more than failing myself.
Now I must start a new life without the extra support for the time being. I had a great dinner with my daughter for Halloween. We didn’t have to go to a party or go trick-or-treating, but I was happy for that.

I must muster along as best as I can. Being on my own, retiring, looking for a new job is not easy but makes us stronger.  I can do this...I can whether the seasons of change. I continue to polish my skills because I never know when that next job will be around the corner.

My Life Flash in Front of Me

Two days ago my brother passed away. My short dreams that night were traumatic.  Tonight it was a little better.  It was a realistic voyage through life.  Almost going from a cruise scene to a futuristic future where movies about back to the future showed how to use  the new technology (phone setups and toothbrushes). 

What was interesting was what the dream illustrated.  On a bus was a glass view of outside scenery on the right, while people on that side of the cruise ship bus were eating healthy foods and oranges. They were all not overweight.  They lived an simple life where they maintained and took care of themselves.  Not pictured in this side of the cruise ship were those who splurged and ate at buffets.

I know life is a journey from A to B and it's how we live it that either gives us long lives or short ones. Some are blessed with hereditary; humor, good health and good connection with others.  Others end up dying quite lonely lives not having anyone to help take care of them.  This dream illustrated what I needed to do to get my life back into shape.  While having my tech daughter teach me knew futuristic technology and the frustration that comes with learning it!!

I'm glad I'm on the road to recovery.  

Travels to Greece

This is the first time we returned to Europe in 17 years, for a visit to one of the countries on our bucket list, Greece.  Jason had tried to book a trip to the Santorini islands in 2007 but because my leave was not approved timely, the hotel he wanted was no longer available.  We always tell this story to Alyssa because we I told Jason that because we stayed in Belgium instead of traveling that week, the Lord blessed me with a pregnancy.  She never wants to hear the story LOL.

Well the trip to Greece was for sure a great adventure. This was Alyssa's first return to Europe after leaving Belgium in a little airplane cot.  She loved it more than going on our usual Caribbean cruises and I thought she blended in just fine! 

My thoughts on Greece was that it was a very nice European city with hospitable people.  I know surveying geographics is what I do a lot in a new city, and compared to the European cities I've been to, the city was fairly cleaned. Not dirty, no dog poop to dodge, and the pickpocket situation didn't seem to pose a threat like Rome and Paris.  Oh, and I do like the food. But like most European countries, you can't really find bad food.  I especially like the gyros and souvlaki. I also tried the moussaka for the first time and loved it!

Now, on to the sites. Acropolis was amazing. Of course it was packed, even at opening time. Hello, all the YouTube videos said to avoid the lines, what do you think people did with that? It wasn't too tiring to climb up as there was quite to see along the way.  The other ruins in Greece were OK but I wouldn't pay to enter and see them. You could easily see them as you walked the city.  We did do a sunset tour to Poseidon but the view wasn't as great as I hoped. It was nice, don't get me wrong, but the drones that took the video were able to access them from places that humans could not walk to!  

Our AirBnB was also convenient and accessible to most places. The bed was stiff but I made do, and our host was efficient. His assistant was onsite to help.  I think I would visit Greece again. There is much to see and not enough time.  Santorini was far, so we made it to a closer Island called, Hydra (pronounced ydra or Heedruh).  We rode a horse instead of a mule and got a scenic tour of the roads up the mountain.  Low and behold, we found a restaurant named Roloi, that served loukoumades or deep-fried donuts.  I remember how we saw them all over in Athens but then when we wanted it for dessert, they were no where to be found!! Well it was good, the praline flavored one, not the honey. I went back for seconds the next day.  We didn't get to swim in Hydra although I saw a spot or two that would be good.

We left and made it home, though the tight airport line 1 hour before departure was a close call. The ground staff were helpful in getting us through and the plane actually waited for passengers to come on board. I remember missing  my overnight flight in Germany in 2006 or so. No, if you're not on time, you are out of luck. I think Jason remembered that day because prior to cell phones, there really is no way to track and he had to call the airport to find out where I was. Airport stories you never forget.  

So that's it. Greek in a nutshell...got a few souvenirs including evil eye items, pictures of cats, and a Greek funeral and theatrical mask.  

Retirement Dream

 It’s interesting that my last post was about transition. It seems that just when we mastered the art of transition, we get caught in vortex of fear and anxiety.

This blog entry is about retirement. I have begun having dreams relating to this transition and the most recent one had me telling my daughter how things are changing and to reminding her why they are. I wake up feeling that my exciting of new identities, new careers and new hobbies are actually translating into what I call retirement anxiety. If I were to analyze this, I would say the fear comes from whether I would succeed in my transition.

For those of you who know me for almost 7 years, I have been looking forward to it. Who hasn’t dream of filling a new job passion, waking up when you feel like it, and just enjoying freedom.  Truth is, we are creatures of habit. And as reality sinks in, so does hope, despair and maybe even depression.

Knowing this, we are also resilient. We know we overcame changes in the past and bouncing back is important. So, thanks AI, thanks therapy, and thanks to my community of friends and family. 

Believe in the dream, and persevere. 

Transition

Transition. It makes us all feel uneasy.  We are creatures of habit.  Mammals are creatures of habits.  Some mammals adapt better than others.  Same as plants.  The most flexible plants can stretch and stay alive despite strong winds.

Thinking back to the many times I've had transitions, I have to say I've overcame them all. For better or worse. So there is no stress anymore. No fear.

The most impactful one was when I was in the first grade. My best friend was Melanie and she asked me, "What will I am going to do?" She was moving away. I don't think I had a best friend again for some time. Then, I switched to public schools in the 5th-6th grade. 

I think the worst transition was moving yet once again to catholic school because my mother wanted me to be confirmed.  Stability is not something I knew. I guess God was preparing me for something bigger.  The Foreign Service career.

The worst transition of all was when I was already in my senior year. I've been in two different high schools. Then I was going to a 3rd one when my mom saw how depressed I was, she asked for me to return. 

There were other times, such as the times when I had an opportunity for an art program and I quit. I also quit when I got a part in the play. I ran away from fear. I ran away from feelings of awkwardness.  

I've come a long way and this final transition into life should be a happy one. No stress. No pressure. No one to push or blame me.  I can finally live...and be free. 

A Can of Worms

Me, in 2013 at 38 years of age

 I decided to do a collage of my pictures at every decade for my upcoming 50th birthday in June.  Wow. I had no idea what that would have resulted in as I went to sleep and woke up at the wee hours of November 10.  Only memories a near 50-year old can process. It includes, the 'good, the bad, and the ugly.'

Turns out a had a major self-esteem issue.  I often wondered how my cousin who had a huge impact during my adolescent years played a part in the shaping of my self-esteem. She barely spoke English, but she was the desired one, had more friends/boyfriends I ever had.  In my dream, there were actors, one well-known one (brother/sister) Willy and Kathaleeya Mcintosh. I thought they were the model of perfection. They were both charming and beautiful. I grew up in the 1990s idolizing these folks. They appeared in my dream as the object of my affection and how Willy didn't even pay attention to me. The fact is, there's humor behind this. People, I'm not Thai. I look Thai but I don't even have an ounce of Thai in me. I have a Thai accent when I talk.  If I go to Thailand now, I'll be concerned about covering up so I don't get bit by mosquitos.  This is the punchline of all. Why do I compare myself to Thai people and models. Why do I compare myself at all? 

I am my own person today. And gosh darn it, I am loved for it.  We are all different human beings with diverse culture, background and memories. And though I lacked what I considered, "love and attention" by the world's ideals, I am loved by the one who matters.

You Say, Lauren Daigle

Lyrics

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have, and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure, God, You have every victory
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh, I believe (I)
Yes, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)

I believe 

Connecting Online and Offline

I guess after attending church today, I felt the need to express our human need to connect with another.  It's interesting that no matter what, people both introverts and extroverts will have a need to connect with other humans. This is not only a gene for survival but it's also the basics of church and many other religious teachings.  

I found that back in 1990, it was easier for me, a shy person to connect with others online. I felt like I was being evaluated on my social skills (blunder rather) or even how I looked.  The downside was that I did encounter people who lied because it's easy to deceive who you are when you are online. Nothing terrible, thank God.  

We connect more with one another in person and this will not change. Sure, we can develop life long marriages from online relationships but the success can depend on personality, trust, and values.  I've learned very early on that 55% of communication is nonverbal. This means, there is so much more missing from online communications and as one source said, online is fun but is shallow.  

God put us together to relate, and we don't always relate successfully. But we can learn better communication skills, avoid assumptions, presumptions, and other barriers such as fear to expressing oneself, assertively.  Establishing those healthy boundaries is key 

Organizing and Preparing for Change

 Making Sense of Chaos. That's what our minds do naturally, to provide a sense of security and safety.  

One recurring dream I've had lately is packing and vacating a hotel room. I had only travel two weeks ago, nearly. I know what this entails. It means, preparing for what I need and ensuring that when I leave my temporary lodging place, that I DON'T forget anything.  Being a seasoned traveler, I left things like hair brushes and chargers and those can be costly.

The day before, I was reading a magazine on organizing and de-cluttering. This was no accident. It manifested in my dream in the form of being orderly. We carry so many things in our life which we think we need, causing us more grief sometimes because we don't know where we put things, and we are drowned in the stuff we own.

In my dream, I was carefully organizing and sorting things by likes and likes. This makes me work and move faster. I was ensuring I didn't leave anything behind. When I found things I had been given, I was angry I waited until the last day to pack this because now I have to think about it.

As a seasoned traveler, one thing you don't want is to leave stuff until the last minute which adds stress, extra time, and chaos to your travel day. An example: I may need makeup and toiletries the day I leave my home, but I actually have spares so I can pack those things the night before.

Also, we sometimes buy more than we can bring. This leaves me with bags and bags of stuff and who wants to travel holding extra bags? Packing everything and keeping what you need, light, is key. You've seen those people with 5 purses I'm sure. So it can be frustrating to have more than you can handle.

In the end, it seems we leave with our spirits and everything physical is left behind. For sure, I'm ready for change, whatever this recurring means. Finding a new job. Leaving legacy behind (photos/memories/recipes). It's just time to let go. 

I Revel at 3 Physical and Spiritual Needs

Good Morning,

May 26, 2024.  Captain's Log, supplemental.  I just got back from my trip to Canada. My mother-in-law passed away after we learned about her terminal illness during Christmas.  It's been a rough week.  However, while encountering stress and hardship during these times, I was able to get away, recharge and recuperate.  During this period, three things came to me (three revels I call it) in the signs that life throws my way so I must pay attention.

Revel #1.  About two years ago, a speaker came to a women's conference workshop at one of my friend's church. My friend invited me to that workshop.  During the workshop, there were books mentioned that were on the reading list. One of them, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, was on there.  Two years later, I quickly stashed that book into my luggage hoping to steal some time and read it.  Wow, was that the best thing that happened especially how my family has encountered rough times.  

The funeral service for my mother-in-law was beautiful. From the music playing, to the readings and my daughter's speech, the service could not have been a better celebration.  The responsorial psalm she had chosen before she passed away was Psalm 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not Want."

I so far, had read three chapters, and the most important take away so far was that the life of a flock of sheep is like that of God's people who live our lives with the master looking and caring for us.  The author of the book, is an actual shepherd for a flock of sheep (ewes, female sheep).  While reading this book, the author likens our spiritual life to that of how a flock operates and very much so, in a similar way.  He uses words that really are geared for livestock and domesticated sheep but at the same time, relates to the lives of God's people and behavior in a group.  For example, there may be one sheep that is domineering and want to be top "sheep." Or, a sheep that goes astray, causing other sheep to follow.

My favorite one is the term he used to describe when an outside threat, such as a wolf or coyote tries to come and disturb the flock.  The term he used was "molest." I'm like... WHAT?  Often, we associate that word with modern day offense, such sexual assault on a child. But in fact, in this context, it means to persistently annoy or disturb. Can you imagine if we can use this in our daily lives. Who am I persistently annoying and how is this affecting my relationship?  The other term he used was in order to make a sheep lie down in green pastures, the livestock must be healthy and free from pestilence such as insects, flies and ticks.  Well what do you know. I'm not crazy after all from lathering myself up with bug spray before heading out in the tropics! 

Revel #2

During this trip, I ran into two visions and signs that came my way.  It made me aware of some things and maybe it is perchance, or maybe it was predestined that I got this message.  On this trip, I brought with me a magazine on organizing and de-cluttering unimportant stuff in your life. Organization has been a interesting topic because it deals with how we manage the physical elements around us that come into our lives.  Well, the magazine starts by describing a few types of organizers. The sentimental one, the visual one (needs to see everything out in plain site) or the tidy one.

As I returned from my trip to the cottage, my husband had to stop at the funeral home to pick up documentation. I of course, after an hour in the car, had to use the bathroom. I quickly rushed in and was directed to their restrooms. I walked in and never in my life thus far, have I scene a restroom so immaculately peaceful, inviting, clean in my life. I felt a sense of peace in this space. I couldn't help but think as I walked out. Wow.  How is it that I had that feeling when all my life, I avoided public restrooms for the fact that it is chaotic and anything but peaceful.  The answer? A feeling of peace and calm.  Perhaps the funeral home was inviting to all guests who feel overwhelmed, chaotic, and in turmoil in their inner soul and to be welcomed by a clean and peaceful place where they can wash away their stress in their physical bodies and physical lives can bring a bit of serenity.

The message then was repeated to me again, when I visited a friend's house and again, I sensed a peace of calm and tranquility. I wondered to myself, how can this person have no piece of clutter in site? Having a space free of disorder is comforting.

Revel #3

This trip was very much last minute as we did not know when we would be traveling. But I packed my bags in less than a week's notice and prepared according to the weather and where we would be going. As I marvel in this trip, I realized this mimics a lot of my life.  The organization that I so strive for, in order to enjoy the larger things in life, so that I'm not running around frantically trying to look for something, to invite peace and security into my life.  I bought a couple of spare clothes that I might need. I brought just enough. And if I didn't bring enough, I was able to get access to a place that provided me what I needed.

When it was a sweater for a cold weather, medicine for my sinuses, or even having spare clothes in case of stains or spills, I was prepared. Because life is unpredictable. You just don't know what you are going to need and when you are going to need it. We carry around so much in our lives with this debilitating fear and end up storing so much stuff we might need one day. Let go and let God.  He is our shepherd, he knows what we need.

I guess sometimes we just have to make the best of it and the rest .. follow with our eyes closed.

A Happy DREAM

 It's not often that I wake up feeling happy or that I had a GREAT dream.  When I do, it truly is a great feeling.  

I dreamed that I was leading an exercise class.  We first started with me briefing how important it is to stretch our bodies and warm them up so we can be ready for an activity such as a game, an Olympic event, etc.  So I proceed to lead to show them how to stretch.  Then I said, it's time to start increasing our heart rate so we're going to walk around in the circle.  I said just 10 minutes a day shows how much it can help our bodies.  I told them we have two circles, inner is the ones who want to run and the outer is for those who want to walk.  Afterwards, we had about 5 minutes remaining and I was going to show them the last activity of the class, and that is floor work -- ab exercises and some strengthening.

In real life, I'm not a fitness expert. I've been leading SoulCore classes now going on the 2nd year at the church. I enjoy leading people spiritually. I feel like that's my gift. Motivating and I myself, went through many transformations in my younger years as I had personal trainers and a bunch of fitness classes. I had more energy back then. I was ambitious. I also went through some Yo-Yo diets and had success with weight lost. Keeping it off was my struggle.  But in no means, am I physical anatomy expert or have proper queuing although I'm learning.

I think sometimes my calling is to be a leader of some sort - to motivate people to lead healthier lives. My life long struggle with being happy and positive sometimes revert and I end up going to my old ways. But life isn't static.  We are individuals who go through experiences that change and mold us.  Study shows that our brains are more bendable then we think, although we often tell ourselves that "I'm an old dog. I can't learn new tricks."  We justify reasons for why we can't change.

I joined an online support group on self-confidence. I think I have come a long way. Others may think that I read all these self-help books and have gone to therapy for 30 years and it hasn't changed me. I beg to differ. I can now speak more comfortably in a group, thanks to Toastmasters. I am more confident than I was in my teen years, knowing that I don't have to be perfect.  

Sure, I have setbacks and I get into a depression, self-sorry cycle, but I realize it. And after 40 years, I know I have tools at my disposal to move on.  I have friends that love me and support me.  And I know now I can't make the world love me.  And I have let go of the fact that a person's action is not always about me. I know I can stop taking it personal because I used to think that way.  Because of my low self-esteem, I blame myself thinking with a negative attitude and internalizing. I'm constantly looking for approval.  I can blame childhood neglect for this --but whatever.  

Someone said, It's not always about you.  We are ego-centric by nature. After all, we are given 5 senses to see the world and it's through our own eyes.  Touch, vision (our camera), smell, hearing and... taste? Some have six. But that's how we navigate our world.

And that's all I have to say about that.  (---Forrest Gump)

Happy, Active and NOT Lurking

 Good Morning,

It's that time of the year... the time to write and update my blog.  I just finished my Mass Media course in pursuit of my intended technical certificate Social Media which I hope to attain by Spring 2025.  That's right, I have 1 like and 30 followers, but who's to say I cannot go in a field that I have energy and passion for. It can't go downhill from here.  Let's momentarily switch topics.

There once was a serial killer who admitted in an interview, that his parents had nothing to do with how he turned out. Well, hell. This man was from a typical white-bred middle class family who appeared to have love and support most of his life.  I come from a family that is not traditionally the same. We always seem to avoid blame or blame everything else but ourselves. Yes, I never grew up with the mentality of taking ownership because in the end, that leaves me feeling powerless. But yet, some people naturally gravitate toward this.  This came to a realization that I would avoid blame at all costs, including putting blame on someone else so I wouldn't look bad.

Last night I decided to watch a tutorial on Happiness for Teens that I put off for the longest time because I knew I don' have time for it. But it's an important topic. And I do want to know the happiness and well being of teenagers today, given that Generation Z appears to be the most depressed generation - says research. Turns out, that one of the cause of unhappiness in social media is how you approach it. There are many passive lurkers out there, that don't interact but scroll through social media -- adding to their mental state of mind.

Human behavior has been studied, according to Google, early 1900s. You'd be shock to think this field is relatively new. I chose Psychology as a second major in my college career back in the early 2000s because I was fascinated with the class in high school, child psychology. I wanted to know if we can control the outcome of a child's life through proper support, love and tools we give them, despite their genetics inclination. Well, if you circle back to that earlier statement I made about Dahmer, it simply indicates either he's lying and refuse to blame his father or the truth -- that we really can't tell the true motivation for a human's behavior.  Can we blame our parents for how we learn to live through "modeling" and what is acceptable and not acceptable?  This is the theory, "learned through modeling." Or do we do the opposite of what our parents did through the traumas we encountered growing up, vowing never to be like them?

In the end, the answer to happiness?  Is within. Is a state of mind. Stop trying to evaluate why someone loves or doesn't love you. You can't make the world love you.  Indeed, I grew up in a period of pop culture and all I ever wanted was to be famous and in the limelight.  Why, because that promises that you would be loved?  Did Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, or even Karen Carpenter feel loved? The anguish Karen felt not loving her body, or the anguish that Elvis felt, what fame brings into his life?

Food for thought.    

The Overseas Life

 February 14, 2024. It is a valentine's day, and what could be more appropriate than to wake up from a dream full of hopes, dreams, past loves and passions.  

First dream scene - Overseas: I dreamt that I was placed overseas again. I found my RAV 4 Toyota with my Floridian plate facing a busy baseball field. It is loud, very loud with young kids running around all over.  My car has been shipped yet again to a foreign land.  It is somewhere in Asia as I stepped out of my beautiful and roomy minimalist apartment into a scenery of palm trees.  My husband and I were in the American compound. This compound was full of different sized homes for different families. It even had a a changing/locker area.  We were welcomed by local Americans who was giving us a brief saying that white chocolates and treats are in the reception area.  I talked with another fella who was standing by my car and said you are more than just a drive over to the other side of the compound as there are other American single homes there.  Wow, my husband and I decide to drive, and walk to check it out.  

Truth: Yes, when you go overseas you are taken care of, in more ways than one. You are in a foreign land and the first thing you want to do is get your bearings. Nothing can be more daunting than to be lost and alone. 

Second dream scene - My husband takes me to a Mango museum and he told me to get down and greet the local. She gave me a mango and I proceed to eat it. My fingers are sticky so I look around for a bathroom and already there are other tourists lined up to wash their hands down the hall at a washroom. I see the tour has begun. A group is walking over there but I don't want to join my group. I see my husband in one group and proceeded to join him. But did we do the tour? No, because dreams don't make sense. I find myself waking up with the box of unopened mangoes and a receipt of the tour and I asked my husband, are we going back to the tour? Meanwhile,  my daughter is somewhere there, doing another activity with a friend. We decided to "return the tour." In my mind, this is Asia and returning things is not a way of life.

Truth: There is a lot to see and do overseas. You don't know if you'll get the same things as you do in American and sometimes you long for the conveniences and things you are used to. You can't take your life back. It is done.

Third and final dream scene - I mentioned earlier about passions. This one was a show rehearsal for an important BBQ event. I had one acting scene and I must remember it. We tried different takes and I finally found one that the director agreed with. It's the next day and I am LATE! I felt mortified being less than prepared but you know what, I did what I did, and showed up at my spot, and I delivered my lines. The other actor reacted. I showed my daughter, and told the other actors that "I am pursuing this acting passion in attempt to increase my confidence. But I didn't have to tell you that."  My daughter was there helping me choose the costume on delivery day. Although I missed portions of it, I did arrive and did deliver. I felt redeemed.

Truth: Just the night before, I was in a Toastmaster's meeting and without prior knowledge or preparation, I delivered a speech only seconds under a minute for this exercise called, "Table Topics" which focuses on impromptu speaking. It forced me to be spontaneous and think quick. I guess I wanted to inspire my daughter by hoping she would see that she was naturally good at this.  What a connection - to want more for her, as the line in "The Joy Club" says, "This feather brings with it, good intentions."   

A Look Back at 2023

2023 has been good to me. I lead SoulCore classes, I discovered what I wanted to do after Dept of State, and I worked on loving myself more. 

I had a wonderful counselor who was supportive of my journey and empathic at the same time. Sometimes having someone who gets you makes all the difference in the world. I am grateful my prayers have been answered. I’m grateful for the support groups to help me in my journey as well. I find that I do well with likeminded people and appreciate the support.

Every year people vow to lose weight. This year, I want to be grateful for my blessings. Being happier will help me to make better choices. The fact that I worked hard (maybe not smarter) to lose weight each time tells me that it doesn’t have to be difficult to attain a goal or even sharpening the saw (maintaining once goal is achieved). I also have a predisposition to be heavier. I need to love myself now, not when I am at my ideal weight.

So to end on a positive note, I’ve come a long way. I don’t need to be jealous of another’s gift when God has given me my own gifts. I am blessed for the things he has brought into my life this year to comfort me, and for providing what I need according to His timeline. Amen. 

December Reflections

 It's December, the most busiest time of the year (well sorta).  We are getting ready to shop, bake, get ready for Holiday parties, and travel to see our loved ones.  Sure it can get busy. Work is winding down, getting slower as we prepare for new objectives for the new year.

It's 3:19 AM and low and behold, I'm met by my fur-friend, Mittens. He loves me after all. I know I'm #3 on his list most of the time, LOL.

It's that time of year to reflect on this past year and set intentions for next year. 2023 has been a pretty good year. At the beginning of the year, I had high hopes of better managing projects and balance work life. I joined weight watchers support group again, continued Bible Study Fellowship online, and ran the SoulCore ministry.  I think next year will be more streamlined. I really know the art of juggling a lot but not mastering anything. I think I want to master the art of "gratitude." They say this is the most effective way to be happy and in a grateful mode daily.  Second, I want to spend more quiet time with the Lord, via adoration. I've been invited to be a key player in the Magnificat women's ministry. This must be a sign of great things to come. Last but not least, I want to eat healthier. I know my emotional eating has been an unending battle to fill a void, along with impulsive spending. It's the same story.

I'm grateful for my counselor, Jenny. Who gave me such great ideas to re-read my childhood journals and to write a letter to my younger self. This is part of my healing process. I'm grateful for the techniques she has taught me on boosting my self-confidence.  I'm grateful for the many work employee support groups I can join, including the Adolescent support group, and the Perfectly Imperfect group.  These are all initiatives to heal and challenge my inner critic.  Oh, and outward, nagging, annoying guilt-inducing, motherly critic LOL.

I hope and pray to stay focused on what matters and really not to sweat the small stuff. Driving these days can be a stressful thing for me. I just won't allow myself to let these non-drivers get to me. It's not worth my stress. Other offenses that come along the way. Well, all I can say is that I need to not fall to the bait of Satan. He wants us to be offended. He wants us to be miserable; and I can't allow it. Listening to lies has been my downfall.

That is it. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Spiritual Growth

 I want to begin this blog by saying, the I've not always been religious, nor have I been spiritual.  You could say I was reborn.  

In 2014, I lost my mother -- my only confidant and best friend. Dealing with her death was hard. I was also going through a lot with my family and job. I was a cradled catholic but I was not understanding what part it played in my life. I tried going to church every Sunday in Beligum, I couldn't understand a thing -- I was in a large Cathedral, with non-American speakers with accents reading from the bible. I didn't get my food through church.

I moved back to Florida in 2008 after my tour in Belgium. Things got bad. I lost my way with the Lord, I focused only on my daughter and maybe my job. Suddenly, reality hit me when I lost my mom in 2014. 

I made the drastic decision to go to Baghdad so that my family can stay in Florida. I must have seen death's ugly face because this was when my spiritual growth happened. I must have known that at any time, my life was danger, I knew where was home was. My heavenly home.

There was not much to do in Baghdad. You're confined to the compound.  So I spent time (not as a monk nor as a hunk as in the GYM) but I did bible study, fellowship time and I guess spiritual development time.  

One breakthrough, one evening, I was at bible study (women's study) and I broke out crying.  The topic was about Jesus and Love.  Then I realize that my MOM was love -- the unconditional love I had in my entire life. They say "blood is thicker than water." This is true of course, she was my "flesh and blood mother."  

So, thankfully, if it wasn't for my mother's death which was of course, untimely.  I don't think I would have grown closer to the lord.  Nothing questions our life here on earth until our mortality is tested.

About a month ago, I lost my new cat. He's in a happy home, a family that accepts him.  And I'm happy for him. But I feel the same lost and it's hurting right now.  I'm angry at the world and I don't understand why I tried getting love from the world.  I guess it's part of my spiritual growth too.

I need people and I need love.  But not in the same way as I had desired in the past. I guess we have to go through this journey ourselves to realize this.

SoulCore Ministry

 Many of you who know me, knows that I enjoy writing. I like to tell a story with my words. I wouldn't say communication is my strongest suit, but I have a gift with telling a story, paired with the ability to express myself artistically.

Today is September 20, 2023 and I can say that 9 months since my last entry of January flew by real fast. 2023 has been good to me for the most part. I was able to start and maintain my ministry of SoulCore at the church now, going on it's second year. It was rough. But I thank God for mentorship and the Holy Spirit to stay strong. I know that throughout life, what I thought was failure was actually a bridge to getting closer to success. My internal dialogue was not of that of a compassionate or best friend. I beat up my self way too much.  And it's not my fault. Nor can I lay it on society.  I grew up around many well-meaning people who are trying to teach me, whether it was with words of love, or words of criticism.  

On Sunday, I went to church as usual with the choir and remembered that I had volunteer to join Harvest Ministry to help recruit members for the Passion Play. I went on over and low and behold, a friendly face says, "Bo you have a table." I was surprised, "Me, you talkin to me." LOL.  Indeed. I did not consider SoulCore a true ministry really. Over the years at Saint Bonaventure, I participated in many ministries. You can say, I was following the voice of the Holy Spirit. Or maybe, it was Bo's internal voice saying, I like helping out. This is one way of me fitting in.  Happy to say, I feel like I finally belong.

I'm not going to turn this blog into a therapy session of my past, but I just wanted to let you all know, that I am happy with the progress I've made in this thing called Journey of Life. 

I'm not saying that being a people pleaser is bad; I'm not saying that trying to find love is bad; But I do want to believe the truth and that my friends, is what we all seek.  May God bless you.

A Weight Loss Confession

Since I was a child, weight has not been an issue for me.  I was always a skinny child.  Growing up, my aunts and uncles would show me pictures of kids starving in Africa in an attempt to get me to eat.

Fast forward to my teen years when my self-image started developing. I started gaining weight and by high school, was highly self-conscious of my body.

Then I got into my early 20s, where I started making my own journal of self-improvement (today called the bullet journal). I wanted to be/do so many things. Top on that list was weight loss and self-care.  By 23 years of age, I had weighed an unhealthy 136 lbs and seen even my family members who've had weight struggles their entire life "grow thin" before my eyes.

My first tour in Ottawa at age 24, 2001 was when I successfully lost 24-25 lbs and was an Extra Small (XS) size. I had a before/after picture done at Goodlife Fitness but ended up using a different gym. Those who knew me then would have seen the transformation.  I saw a few personal trainers, logged my food and also saw a dietician who taught me how to portion my foods and if I over-ate to cut down on my next meal.  I was able to maintain this weight by the time I got to Paris and was there from 2002 to 2004. I think the key was staying healthy and finding gyms and a person to help me in my journey.  

I met and Married Jason in 2005 where my weight was still OK, not fluctuating too too much. The problem all started again after my pregnancy in 2008. The weight and lack of activity also contributed to the weight gain.

I was assigned to Florida when I decided it was time to take action.  At this time I wasn't entirely overweight but I had an ideal image to follow so I went to the gym again and found a trainer who helped me meet my goals, along with going to Weight Watchers.  By 2012, I was back down to XS again.  

Then came my assignment to Swaziland and after a year into the assignment my weight crept back up. I returned to Florida again after the stint to Swaziland and Baghdad (no success with weight loss too much free food access). I was probably a size Medium/Large I sought training and this time tried Quick Weight Loss.  In three months again I was back down to XS.

Moral of the story -- My weight in life has gone up and down a lot due to the adaption and stressors in my life. Weight loss success stories happened 3 times and I wouldn't say all of them were easy. The Quick Weight Loss was the hardest but I also LOST the most in a short time and gained it all back in about 9 months to a year's time.  I read a story of another gal who logged food, tracked every morsel only to find happiness in being a little heavier, if she could enjoy her foods and time with her family.

Now at age 47, I'm just hoping I have more energy to stay fit and the discipline to not turn to comfort foods for happiness.  Let's face it, as babies, when we cry we are fed.  Food is a solution to stress and discomfort, always has been.  Some people are more luckier and either have lucky genes or don't use food for comfort.

So for those people trying to keep a New Year's resolution, don't lose heart. Weight loss success is easy -- keeping it off (or as they say 7 Habits Author Steven Covey, "Sharpening the Saw") is the hardest. I would say, keep your weight goals realistic and think long term.

Weight Watchers and personal training 2012, 1 year to lose weight, 5’3” size XS

Quick Weight Loss, 3 months from  May 27, 2016 to August 23, 2016, 24 lbs lost, size XS

 Picture of me today, at size XL - Jan 2023

                                    

A Look Back at this Past Year

With only three more days remaining in 2022, one can only think about reflecting on the past year and how to improve upon the coming year.  

I want to say that 2022 wasn't a bad year at all, in looking back at the past three years. Despite the trials I faced and the disappointments, I was happy and couldn't ask for more. I had a good management and boss team, I got to be with my daughter and family in South Florida, and start my SoulCore ministry which I have tried to start since 2019. I think spiritually I have grown as well although I've had a few setbacks. It goes to show we are all human in the end.

Best memories of 2022.  Going on Spring break in April with the family. That was the best. Coming out of a depression and looking forward to a week of relaxation and no duties or work and truly disconnecting and connecting with families was the best.  Also, having a couple of weeks alone with the cat when Alyssa went to Canada with Jason. She was supposed to go alone but issues with the person taking her on flight didn't work out so Jason ended up going to Canada just the two of them.  The alone time was great. No rules, no worries, just me.

One hard lesson learned:  Well there were probably more than one, but I guess you can't always assume. You can't assume your best friend will be there for you. You can't assume that you can do anything and get away with it.  In the end, it catches up with you.  Be clear, be upfront and be cautious.  This scripture I will hold dear to my heart "Proverbs 4:23, NIV: Above All else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

One thing I did that I'm proud of: Actually made the deadline for signing up for dental insurance. Last year I missed the window but for Alyssa's medical. This year I actually set a reminder and I set a wrong date (Dec14 when the deadline was Dec 12). I frantically called the Benefeds and they said they would let me sign up -- that would have bene two years in a row I missed. You only have one month a year (open season) to sign up for insurance.

Now that I'm done reflecting, I'd like to focus on three things to look forward to in the new year.  I'd like to visit at least one new country or place next year.  I want to get better at letting go and moving on when others offend me. I tend to fixate.  Last but not least I want to try new volunteer activities that will allow me to discover hidden talents and joys that I have within. I know God didn't provide me with a single talent that stands out. Otherwise I wouldn't  have been a master of none, LOL.  I know I wasn't meant to be a soloist or a pianist, but I know the basics of managing people and processes.  And maybe some things about computer technology.  I'm basically ready to wind down.  So I end with this scripture for hope.  

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ” — Jeremiah 29:11

Where Did the Time Go

Bo's Log:  Supplemental.  Actually, that was always the start of Jean Luke's picard's introduction in the old TV television series, Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I think keeping a log is so important so I'm going to try and keep up this blog, even though it's been nearly a year since my last log entry.

So much has happened in almost a year and how fast 2022 has been.  I am happy to report the year has gone from getting better to incredibly awesome.  Yes!!  The covid hibernation and depressing days are nearly behind us.  As some of you may know, from following me previously on my entries, life has been on the rough edge, and in many cases, on the bit of the dark side.  I was depressed, unmotivated, and just wanted to escape. Yes, I've been through a lot.  I've been through a lot of disappointments, failures,  discouragements, and frustrations. TO the point where I wanted to truly give up -- why try?  But here I am. That's because I kept on hanging.

I'll start off with the recent projects I've been involved in.  Just lately, the Holy Spirit has been gently pushing my interest in rekindling the SoulCore project. I got certified in 2018 when I went to a SoulCore class at St. Joan of Arc church in Boca Raton and was hooked.  A friend and I were supposed to go to the retreat together and get certified but how things turn out doesn't always go as planned. I end up going alone but met some new supporters and friends who helped me start the classes in South Florida. Only problem was that I wasn't able to establish it because I moved to DC and my co-partner was not able to get the classes continued at the Parish.  Meanwhile, in Washington DC, I visited several churches only to have the door on me closed.  Yes, failures and discouragements, but I move on.  So now is my chance again -- will I be around South Florida to get it established for my community? Only God has the say I suppose.

Next, I started back with the Church Choir again. The ministry has been on pause also because of the covid, but when I started singing again with the group, I realized how much I missed singing. And it was so true, that singing is like praying twice. I want to improve my singing and my voice, but for now I'm glad to be in the church with my friends again. I know in the past, I felt like I went to far as to how much influence I wanted on the group - I was trying too hard to build a better team and improve things but sometimes, it's best to surrender and let God take care of it.  I will work on my own ministry now, the SoulCore project since I am the ownership of that.

Project 3 - I started getting back into exercise.  For those of you who have not seen me in two or three years, you would noticed I've put on 30-40 lbs. I attribute this to lack of a good diet in DC, along with the stressors I've faced. Thank you all for not judging me, and for not making a comment about how "heavier" I look. The only thing I got from a co-worker I haven't seen in 5 years was, "are you pregnant?" No I'm not. I wish, LOL.  Along with getting back to Zumba classes, cycle classes, going to the gym the last year has been a challenge to say the least. I've lost energy, I've lost motivation, but all I can say it's a work in progress. Oh, and I've started this new sport, "pickle ball" which is really great exercise. I have been taking dance classes, but truth be told, I have really been pushing myself. Some days I just didn't want to be there.  Again, I kept going.  

I've been involved in getting Alyssa's memory book up-to-date. I realized I dumped a lot of her school grade reports and work in a file in the cabinet and felt, as a mother, I should have done more with it. I look at my mother-in-law as an inspiration, as she did a great job with Jason's baby book and school book records, and made me realize, I should be a little more organized.  Not to say I wasn't involved in Alyssa's life enough, I was, but I guess I needed better prioritization.  This project was great -- I was able to remember all the details of all the years, rekindle with old folks via E-mail -- thank Goodness for the Internet age right? I can pinpoint down to the year she was in ice skating, gymnastics and horseback riding... I was even be able to find out who her friends were too during those years.  All through Facebook, GMAIL and google photos.  Recording grade 9 through 12 now should be a breeze if I was able to pull all this up.  If I can remember to fill it during and at the end of the school year and not 8 years later!!

Earlier this year, I got promoted at my office.  Many of you have heard of my frustrations with trying to get on the Foreign Service promotion list for years. Year after year, it's disappointment that I couldn't make the list. Well, I'm at that point where getting the recognition is nice, but I'm really ready to retire. I've been working in the government since I was 18 years old, I really can retire now. My passion is waning down, it's time for the younger folks to take over. Getting the promotion off the books is nice, it's like the recognition is finally catching up, after meeting up with so much frustration with previous management teams who were not supportive.  Even my training got denied in DC due to short staff, and someone had to back me up, saying "that was not right." Well, what can I say? Let go and let God.

Now, onto the news you guys are probably waiting to hear about -- my daughter Alyssa.  She has and will always be the spotlight in my life.  She has been cancer free now for two years.  It was so rough and a lot of people knew the emotional ride my family has been through with that. She graduated from the 8th grade this past June, with honors. I'm so proud of her, but most of all, she kept a group of great, supportive friends.  This year she also got confirmed, so I feel like she definitely has entered the rite of passage and is starting a new chapter at Archbishop High school.  May God be with her.

We had a family cruise in April with Jason's sisters, Lisa and Cindy, and his nephew, Michael. We had a blast!! The three of us have done several cruises, but to have a family cruise was a different experience and I truly enjoyed it. Getting back to work after that week was rough, but that's why vacations are so special. They come only once in a while so we have to appreciate those special moments.

We also spent a week for Christmas in Canada and it made me realize how much I miss being with family.  Again, I'm glad this covid craziness is nearly over!

To summarize this novel today, the year has definitely gotten better since covid hit.  Things are normalizing up, I'm so happy that my passions are being rediscovered and that my motivation is back.  I got to go back to in-person bible studies. I felt like this group helped my journey a great deal, we studied the Book of Matthew which was about the ministry of Jesus during his years on earth.  What a blessing it was.  Life has it's ups and downs, both Alyssa and I miss our old friends and old ways of life, but God has taught us we have to learn to move on and continue to count our blessings however big or small they are.  

Slowly, but Surely

It’s been six months since my last entry and things are moving positively in a good direction. Not as quick as I hope, but surely.  What is the saying again? “All in God’s timing?”

Alyssa can now bend to about 105 degrees and can easily do squats and bicycle machine.  I know it seems like such a long time, but we can only hope it will continue to be restored as time goes on.  Her physical therapist just said she should be done with therapy soon, and I ask her “but what about her full mobility” she said Alyssa will have enough to work on her own. So once the surgeon is ok with this decision, I hope she will allow Alyssa to continue personal training at the gym which will give her a chance to increase her flexibility.

Alyssa and I have been at the gym for may 2-3 months now. We are both getting stronger and able to lift heavier weights each time.  As for me, I am not on a drastic diet but I feel a bit better.  I have to thank God for the job to get me up each day and have a purpose.  I just am not in a place to start a drastic diet yet. Been there, done that, know what it requires. So again….slowly but surely.  My goal is to be strong enough and motivated enough to start up the SoulCore certification that I got back in 2018.  If God wills it, this will bring me even more energy and purpose to life. 

My job is going well. I feel proud that one of projects I managed is near completion and now I am given a few more responsibilities so I am at a good place now with meeting a work-balance.  I always want to make a difference, so if it is toward the end of my career that I see output of my work, so be it.  All in God’s hands and all in God’s plan.

Since it will be another six months or so until I jump on this blogger again, I wish you all a Happy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I am looking forward to spending the Holidays with family in Canada.  Not looking forward to the cold though.  But who’s complaining?