Seasons of Change

For those who follow me on my blog, I like to share my travel stories simply because it’s been my life and my career. I’ve seen many things experience many things that I wouldn’t have, if it wasn’t for this career choice, and I’m grateful for these experiences.

It’s difficult, but I wanted to share some life changes that I’ve recently been through that I like to call them seasons of change. I’ve been through depression before many times I’ve suffered from anxiety, some depression more severe than others to the point that my clearance was pulled luckily I got over them and because I got over them in the past I know that I can get over them again. I have so much to offer so much expertise so much life experiences so much training so much talent. I can’t let a simple mood swing or depression so to speak handicap me for a short period.

Today I went to talk with a mentor that I’d like to consider my mentor anyways and he says that I should do things that make me happy. Something so simple yet so profound why don’t I do things that make me happy? some things cost money some things don’t I used to have a ton of hobbies. I used to have so much ambition because I believed in myself in accomplishing what I set out to do whether it’s to finish the certificate or to get a new job. I can’t let these seasons of change cause depression in me.

My divorce was final, on October 16.  Final decree and now I'm back to single status, at least in the eyes of the civil court. I am not rejoicing over something I failed. I know it’s A two-way street and it takes two people to make it work. I think failing God hurts me more than failing myself.
Now I must start a new life without the extra support for the time being. I had a great dinner with my daughter for Halloween. We didn’t have to go to a party or go trick-or-treating, but I was happy for that.

I must muster along as best as I can. Being on my own, retiring, looking for a new job is not easy but makes us stronger.  I can do this...I can whether the seasons of change. I continue to polish my skills because I never know when that next job will be around the corner.

My Life Flash in Front of Me

Two days ago my brother passed away. My short dreams that night were traumatic.  Tonight it was a little better.  It was a realistic voyage through life.  Almost going from a cruise scene to a futuristic future where movies about back to the future showed how to use  the new technology (phone setups and toothbrushes). 

What was interesting was what the dream illustrated.  On a bus was a glass view of outside scenery on the right, while people on that side of the cruise ship bus were eating healthy foods and oranges. They were all not overweight.  They lived an simple life where they maintained and took care of themselves.  Not pictured in this side of the cruise ship were those who splurged and ate at buffets.

I know life is a journey from A to B and it's how we live it that either gives us long lives or short ones. Some are blessed with hereditary; humor, good health and good connection with others.  Others end up dying quite lonely lives not having anyone to help take care of them.  This dream illustrated what I needed to do to get my life back into shape.  While having my tech daughter teach me knew futuristic technology and the frustration that comes with learning it!!

I'm glad I'm on the road to recovery.  

Travels to Greece

This is the first time we returned to Europe in 17 years, for a visit to one of the countries on our bucket list, Greece.  Jason had tried to book a trip to the Santorini islands in 2007 but because my leave was not approved timely, the hotel he wanted was no longer available.  We always tell this story to Alyssa because we I told Jason that because we stayed in Belgium instead of traveling that week, the Lord blessed me with a pregnancy.  She never wants to hear the story LOL.

Well the trip to Greece was for sure a great adventure. This was Alyssa's first return to Europe after leaving Belgium in a little airplane cot.  She loved it more than going on our usual Caribbean cruises and I thought she blended in just fine! 

My thoughts on Greece was that it was a very nice European city with hospitable people.  I know surveying geographics is what I do a lot in a new city, and compared to the European cities I've been to, the city was fairly cleaned. Not dirty, no dog poop to dodge, and the pickpocket situation didn't seem to pose a threat like Rome and Paris.  Oh, and I do like the food. But like most European countries, you can't really find bad food.  I especially like the gyros and souvlaki. I also tried the moussaka for the first time and loved it!

Now, on to the sites. Acropolis was amazing. Of course it was packed, even at opening time. Hello, all the YouTube videos said to avoid the lines, what do you think people did with that? It wasn't too tiring to climb up as there was quite to see along the way.  The other ruins in Greece were OK but I wouldn't pay to enter and see them. You could easily see them as you walked the city.  We did do a sunset tour to Poseidon but the view wasn't as great as I hoped. It was nice, don't get me wrong, but the drones that took the video were able to access them from places that humans could not walk to!  

Our AirBnB was also convenient and accessible to most places. The bed was stiff but I made do, and our host was efficient. His assistant was onsite to help.  I think I would visit Greece again. There is much to see and not enough time.  Santorini was far, so we made it to a closer Island called, Hydra (pronounced ydra or Heedruh).  We rode a horse instead of a mule and got a scenic tour of the roads up the mountain.  Low and behold, we found a restaurant named Roloi, that served loukoumades or deep-fried donuts.  I remember how we saw them all over in Athens but then when we wanted it for dessert, they were no where to be found!! Well it was good, the praline flavored one, not the honey. I went back for seconds the next day.  We didn't get to swim in Hydra although I saw a spot or two that would be good.

We left and made it home, though the tight airport line 1 hour before departure was a close call. The ground staff were helpful in getting us through and the plane actually waited for passengers to come on board. I remember missing  my overnight flight in Germany in 2006 or so. No, if you're not on time, you are out of luck. I think Jason remembered that day because prior to cell phones, there really is no way to track and he had to call the airport to find out where I was. Airport stories you never forget.  

So that's it. Greek in a nutshell...got a few souvenirs including evil eye items, pictures of cats, and a Greek funeral and theatrical mask.  

Retirement Dream

 It’s interesting that my last post was about transition. It seems that just when we mastered the art of transition, we get caught in vortex of fear and anxiety.

This blog entry is about retirement. I have begun having dreams relating to this transition and the most recent one had me telling my daughter how things are changing and to reminding her why they are. I wake up feeling that my exciting of new identities, new careers and new hobbies are actually translating into what I call retirement anxiety. If I were to analyze this, I would say the fear comes from whether I would succeed in my transition.

For those of you who know me for almost 7 years, I have been looking forward to it. Who hasn’t dream of filling a new job passion, waking up when you feel like it, and just enjoying freedom.  Truth is, we are creatures of habit. And as reality sinks in, so does hope, despair and maybe even depression.

Knowing this, we are also resilient. We know we overcame changes in the past and bouncing back is important. So, thanks AI, thanks therapy, and thanks to my community of friends and family. 

Believe in the dream, and persevere. 

Transition

Transition. It makes us all feel uneasy.  We are creatures of habit.  Mammals are creatures of habits.  Some mammals adapt better than others.  Same as plants.  The most flexible plants can stretch and stay alive despite strong winds.

Thinking back to the many times I've had transitions, I have to say I've overcame them all. For better or worse. So there is no stress anymore. No fear.

The most impactful one was when I was in the first grade. My best friend was Melanie and she asked me, "What will I am going to do?" She was moving away. I don't think I had a best friend again for some time. Then, I switched to public schools in the 5th-6th grade. 

I think the worst transition was moving yet once again to catholic school because my mother wanted me to be confirmed.  Stability is not something I knew. I guess God was preparing me for something bigger.  The Foreign Service career.

The worst transition of all was when I was already in my senior year. I've been in two different high schools. Then I was going to a 3rd one when my mom saw how depressed I was, she asked for me to return. 

There were other times, such as the times when I had an opportunity for an art program and I quit. I also quit when I got a part in the play. I ran away from fear. I ran away from feelings of awkwardness.  

I've come a long way and this final transition into life should be a happy one. No stress. No pressure. No one to push or blame me.  I can finally live...and be free. 

A Can of Worms

Me, in 2013 at 38 years of age

 I decided to do a collage of my pictures at every decade for my upcoming 50th birthday in June.  Wow. I had no idea what that would have resulted in as I went to sleep and woke up at the wee hours of November 10.  Only memories a near 50-year old can process. It includes, the 'good, the bad, and the ugly.'

Turns out a had a major self-esteem issue.  I often wondered how my cousin who had a huge impact during my adolescent years played a part in the shaping of my self-esteem. She barely spoke English, but she was the desired one, had more friends/boyfriends I ever had.  In my dream, there were actors, one well-known one (brother/sister) Willy and Kathaleeya Mcintosh. I thought they were the model of perfection. They were both charming and beautiful. I grew up in the 1990s idolizing these folks. They appeared in my dream as the object of my affection and how Willy didn't even pay attention to me. The fact is, there's humor behind this. People, I'm not Thai. I look Thai but I don't even have an ounce of Thai in me. I have a Thai accent when I talk.  If I go to Thailand now, I'll be concerned about covering up so I don't get bit by mosquitos.  This is the punchline of all. Why do I compare myself to Thai people and models. Why do I compare myself at all? 

I am my own person today. And gosh darn it, I am loved for it.  We are all different human beings with diverse culture, background and memories. And though I lacked what I considered, "love and attention" by the world's ideals, I am loved by the one who matters.

You Say, Lauren Daigle

Lyrics

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have, and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure, God, You have every victory
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh, I believe (I)
Yes, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)

I believe 

Connecting Online and Offline

I guess after attending church today, I felt the need to express our human need to connect with another.  It's interesting that no matter what, people both introverts and extroverts will have a need to connect with other humans. This is not only a gene for survival but it's also the basics of church and many other religious teachings.  

I found that back in 1990, it was easier for me, a shy person to connect with others online. I felt like I was being evaluated on my social skills (blunder rather) or even how I looked.  The downside was that I did encounter people who lied because it's easy to deceive who you are when you are online. Nothing terrible, thank God.  

We connect more with one another in person and this will not change. Sure, we can develop life long marriages from online relationships but the success can depend on personality, trust, and values.  I've learned very early on that 55% of communication is nonverbal. This means, there is so much more missing from online communications and as one source said, online is fun but is shallow.  

God put us together to relate, and we don't always relate successfully. But we can learn better communication skills, avoid assumptions, presumptions, and other barriers such as fear to expressing oneself, assertively.  Establishing those healthy boundaries is key