Staycation before I leave Florida

I ended my last day of work last week quite gracefully.  I checked out months ago, cleaned my office and had all the signatures necessary.  Since the time I was working in my first federal job, I thoroughly left trails and training for people of the things I did for that office.  That's just how I work.  I was 24 years old at the time.  Fast forward 19 years later and I'm still that same person.  I'm considerate and I like to pay things forward.  I'd like to think of myself that way.

Well, now I have two weeks off to truly disengage, enjoy my vacation and just find "me" time.  Do me, find out what makes ME happy and continue my soul search.  To start off, yesterday I did tennis lessons and took advantage of a membership and lesson sale.  I realized over the years, I took lessons with some 6 coaches, all with different techniques.  Who's going to be the one to bring out the best in me?  The coach I had yesterday showed me a few things and just like that, I picked it up.  Did he find out what my strength was?  It was fun and relaxing.  After the lesson, I went to get my nails done with Rena, who my personal trainer referred me too, a couple years ago.  I liked her from the first time I met.  There's a reason I keep going back to her.  I think we both connected and she does a fantastic job.  Sometimes I like to go to the nail salons and just absorb the quiet time.  Other times, I go just to talk and maybe get wisdomly advice.  She was that wisdom I was looking for.  I ended the beautiful sunshine day by kayaking with my daughter.  What did I learn from the session?  Well, I learned that Alyssa likes to take control and have fun...She hates that I'm serious all the time (because I'm scared of her falling in the water --the girl is fearless).  She says, "don't you want me to have fun" and I tell her, "Why are you always teasing me."  She definitely did not get the sillyness from me.  We had a great time, and I learned that there is give and take and eventually we can paddle in the same direction to move forward.

Today, is just therapeutic day meeting with old friends from my greeting card ministry for lunch.  I really missed the group.  I continue my soul searching. It may seem like I seek out so much answers, but truth be told, I'm seeking inspiration.  In the end, I determine my answer and the course of action *I* want to take. 

I now end my staycation day ubering Alyssa to soccer practice. I would say not so much staycation with dishes, laundry and driving to LOL. I suppose, depending, you do that on vacation as well. 

The soul searching continues tomorrow... So far the wisdom I received in two days was... "Do Bo and find something you will fit into."  That's right, there's no need to try and fit into something that will never be Bo.  Not worth the work, frustration, and exhaustion.

A Short Blog: Not so Anonymous

Something I wanted to just jot down before I forget.  My therapist told me that writing a diary is a great way to vent. I’m going to go back to that. I just think in a world where we receive more information than our ancestors ever did, there is a necessity to process that information – in the form of writing, speaking, and venting. 

This weekend I went to a great retreat. It was called "Mercy and Mary," and the reason I heard about it was from my friend I met through a Magnificat seminar. Oddly enough, this was when I had just completed 33 days to Morning Glory, as part of the SoulCore training experience.  In an essence, I feel like God has made this journey for me possible because it was meant to happen.

As my departure from Florida is coming closer, I feel like I’m more than ever, close to achieving God’s plan.  I feel like Jonah from the bible story.  Like Jonah, God had a plan to do something…and Jonah runs away only to get swallowed by a whale (fish).  Until he completed his plan, he would not be able to leave.  He had to accomplish what God set him to do.  Like him, with the government shutdown and what not, I really wanted to leave Florida.  But could not.  It was the “fight or flight” reaction I had to the stress and frustrations I was facing all around.  I never said I was perfect. I was always evaluating and judging people, yet the plank in my eyes was larger.

The bottom line. I’m not afraid to admit I am broken. Who isn’t broken? Even the saints were broken.  What I learned from the retreat is this..God wants us to keep our brokenness. It’s a way for us to stay connected to Jesus. It’s a way to perfectly love him.  We can be “perfectly” like him just like that verse in the bible says, “Be perfect like your heavenly father is perfect” by LOVING him perfectly.

First we accept and then we can heal.  Thank you AA group - let me accept what I can, and cannot change.  Amen.

Human Condition

I think it is about time I posted a blog entry. They say wisdom comes with age. This couldn’t be more true.

As a mom in her early 40s, all the emotions I get as a young girl are still inside of me. Our brain is like a computer 💻 , retrieving  files like they were yesterday. As a young girl I was very eggocentric. Now that I am older, I try to take the perspective outside of myself and see truth.

More often than not, the human condition and emotions are more similar than we imagine. With this in mind, we can take steps to be more loving towards ourselves.

https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/

Take this quiz and see where you rank.

What a Night

I got to catch a movie at the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF), which I had no idea was happening this week.  My colleagues at work suggested I check it out since it’s once a year and there were a lot of stars.  I decided to look into booking ticket, not knowing what I was in for. The theme seemed intriguing and so I booked my ticket. Wow..is all I could say.  The message that was sent to me.

I started the evening tired, wondering how I was going to stay awake since I had a sleepless night.  Well, by evening time, I decided to do my SoulCore exercise following the Sorrowful Mysteries.  I’m glad I did, it helped me focus on the virtues of the biggest challenge I’m facing.  I might even get some enlightenment at the show.

So, as I’m walking down to the Roy Thompson Hall, I imagine waiting in a line near a red carpet seeing stars walk down.  It was nothing like that.  Instead I got there early, only to be directed to a Starbucks cafe.  The same three friends who I saw earlier say, “we’re here too early” ended up there as well.  I’ve never been to a film festival. I just wanted to be a part of the action and since I was little, I was always intrigued by movie stars. They made things happen on the big screen. I always dreamed of being famous that never panned out.

Well, as I enter the theater and got seated in my section and initially seated wrong. But I got to talk to a lady who was a regular at the film festivals and she said there are usually over 400 films from all over the world, some that you never get to see.  Also, the red carpet pre-show is really too crowded. She suggested next year I try the Elgin theater.  Few minutes later I realized I was in the wrong seat. To might right...what do you know, the same three friends I stumbled into at Starbucks was there.

SHowtime... Lights flickered and the Director was introduced and walked to the stage to talk about her film.  Then she invited the stars to join her, though they didn’t say anything. I was too busy trying to catch a photo because they said “filming is prohibited.” So I turn to my left and my right and see lights everywhere.  “Ahhh OK THEN!”  The line I remember the director saying was that the little boy did such a good job that she ended up crying.  Wow...he really portrayed her story just the way sh wanted.  I couldn’t see Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face very well she’s so far but very tall!!

The movie started...I had no idea what it was about, only that the teacher had a high interest in one of her gifted students. As the movie progressed I was kind of shock with the parallel with the themes happening in my life. What I got from the movie was this...One person can have so much passion, that she allows it to cloud her vision and cross many borders that shouldn’t be crossed.  The end of the movie keeps the audience wondering. The theme was about poetry art. I like the characters.  The teacher (main character) is carefree and giving and attentive.  But she was far from perfect and definitely not a Saint. You see her human side come out...the selfishness at times, the frustration and even times of hopelessness with her own kids.  But one thing is clear. She acted on her passion and feelings whether right or wrong. She demonstrated to the audience how vulnerable we can be as individuals an when she cried during the movie after the boy cited the poem, it shows her humanity.

What an amazing experience.  And Maggie, the actress sat and watched the show just one balcony down from mine. That was cool!!!  What did I learn from my night?

I learned that we are drawn to passion and also the people with the same passion. But life goes on. We cannot fall into the traps of temptation that worldly passion offers. In the end, it bites us in the ass.

Things I learned from this Amazing Sport

It was a crazy weekend.  But worth every effort and energy.  I never thought much about the sport of soccer.  Only that it was a simple game.  Two teams, one ball, one goal.  Really, I mean how interesting can it possibly be? The fact is that this sport taught me so much in one weekend, I will never again see it the same way.  I have a deep respect for the sport now.

Alyssa now played competitive soccer now for nearly three years.  It all started as a sport for fun to learn new skills. Over the last few years, I've seen her develop rapidly in this area, to joining an amazing team of girls, developing friendships and winning championships. She was part of a real competitive team and now that we are heading to the big leagues, we see truth and reality come out.  As my husband said last night, all the girls' flaws were exposed.  It was tough no doubt, and we see the worst in every family come out.  And we know that every family values and sees their kid as "best."  When it came down to the last ounce of frustration, we would blame even the closest of friends. The blame just never ends, but this was an important lesson.

Things I learned from soccer:

1.  If you work together, take time to think, you can accomplish amazing things.
2.  People will push their way forward, no matter what it takes
3.  Some people refuse to adapt and be flexible and help their teammates, in the end their suffers.
4.  Frustration gets the best of us.  But at the same time, it teaches us how to deal with frustration.
5.  Your weakest link can be immediately exposed and taken advantage of fast.
6.  If everyone worked together, using their strengths to their advantage, we can accomplish a great goal.  No one is the best at everything.
7.  Sometimes one person has to suffer, or as they say, "take it for the team."

A great end indeed, to a crazy weekend. Thank you Jesus, for everything I learned over this soccer tournament weekend.  Thank you for being with us and for allowing our mother to be with us, watching over Alyssa, protecting her.  Despite the wins and losses, no one got seriously hurt and have grown tremendously.

My memorabilia box

So in my last blog entry, I talked about how the mind captures everything through the lens called the eyes. We are continually recording, even right now.  This is my 3rd week of medical leave from a recent surgery that limits my movement during the healing process. I told myself that during this time off I would make myself productive and maybe organize my craft room when I am feeling better. So I did. I found many interesting things in box.

1. My diary from 1990.  Wow, my feelings although a bit teenage-ish, is still a part of who I am.  The kind of boys I obsessed about, wishing to have brown hair blond streaks and hazel eyes was also a desire back then. I knew the person who I was, but after all these years, I also realize in my struggle to be someone different (confident, positive) I *am*  coming closer to becoming that person.  The important thing I realized was that acceptance is key. If anyone has studied mindfulness, humans, in general, are naturally harsh on themselves when they try to meditate and find their thoughts wandering. The voice over would say, “gently bring them back.” Point to all of this — accept yourself even with flaws, and you will be more at peace instead of trying to resist it.

2. My skate wear catalog of one of my favorite idols, 1994 Figure skater gold medalist, Oksana Baiul. With winning a Gold medal at age 16, she really inspired me in more ways than one. She has beauty, she has grace, she helped shape my love for classical music.  I wanted to ice skate since 1985.  The fact that I still hang onto that 1995 old catalog means that the desire to achieve what she has (and its passion)  is still dear to me. If anyone kept up with her life they would know that winning a medal at a young age and getting famous overnight had its price. 

3. Alyssa’s artwork from preschool. I love how she saw her parents at a young age and how happy and positive she was. I hang onto many artwork that I adore. I have gone back and threw out a lot but I really love to see how she viewed the world at that age: The people who shaped like triangles. Mommy had black hair, daddy had green hair lol. There is a butterfly over our heads. It appears mom might have a baby inside her belly. 

Well memories are always good once in a while. Going there is like going in a virtual time machine and being in that space and time.  I guess that is why sometimes they are so hard to let go. 

A pregnancy journal given to me by my colleagues.  She didn't
get my full lips and hair. But she did inherit Jason's wit and
self-confidence.

Your Eyes is the Record

I did not grow up in the age where I was affected by CyberBullying but just because bullying didn’t exist in electronic record form does not mean one has forgotten it.

The other day I saw a YT clip predicting that a computer in the future would exceed human capabilities. Maybe depending on what you are looking for.  What is also true is the human mind has and will continuously record life through its eyes as long as it is alive. Everything we come into contact with never disappears rather gets stored away in this amazing brain that God has created. A machine can never be as "smart" or match human intelligence. A machine has limited storage but the human brain never forgets.  Everything we learned may be forgotten but is never really gone from our existence (psychical and spiritual) and becomes who we are.

I still remember the exact day, not to an actual day on the Gregorian calendar but all senses that I felt that day when a boy in the 6th grade has bullied me because of my “differences.”  We were outside standing in line and it was a sunny and clear day.  I don’t know what prompted him to say this but it really had an impact so much that this human recording Is one that can be recalled with such great detail because it is connected to my identity. So here is the clip:  Skinny and cute boy with red orange hair made fun of my birth name - Kaseeraht.  He called it “kiss a rat.” Is that funny? You may laugh at it now? Did it humiliate me? Apparently at the time it did, otherwise I wouldn’t have remembered it.  I thank God that fortunately I grew up with the identity Bo because that is Thai culture. The fact that bullying did exist and was not recorded on a computer to broadcast doesn’t make it go away.

I used to be crazy about making sure I took every picture there was and forgot to live in the moment. Now, I not only let my memories go, I delete it because it has come to a point where it is not only impossible to keep up, but the motive why??

I think back to God’s scripture that one day earth and heaven will pass away but God’s word will never pass away.  Pictures, memorabilia’s and records....all that will disappear one from physical existence in the universe one Day. But what the human brain and eyes have seen will never disappear.

To end on a positive note, I also still remember the day I got a compliment from my 6th grade teacher after having stood and read my story in class - he said to me, after I presented, with precise conviction and enthusiasm that “One day, Bo you are going to be a writer.” I may not be a renown author of an adventure story but here I am writing a story and you are reading it.