A Happy DREAM

 It's not often that I wake up feeling happy or that I had a GREAT dream.  When I do, it truly is a great feeling.  

I dreamed that I was leading an exercise class.  We first started with me briefing how important it is to stretch our bodies and warm them up so we can be ready for an activity such as a game, an Olympic event, etc.  So I proceed to lead to show them how to stretch.  Then I said, it's time to start increasing our heart rate so we're going to walk around in the circle.  I said just 10 minutes a day shows how much it can help our bodies.  I told them we have two circles, inner is the ones who want to run and the outer is for those who want to walk.  Afterwards, we had about 5 minutes remaining and I was going to show them the last activity of the class, and that is floor work -- ab exercises and some strengthening.

In real life, I'm not a fitness expert. I've been leading SoulCore classes now going on the 2nd year at the church. I enjoy leading people spiritually. I feel like that's my gift. Motivating and I myself, went through many transformations in my younger years as I had personal trainers and a bunch of fitness classes. I had more energy back then. I was ambitious. I also went through some Yo-Yo diets and had success with weight lost. Keeping it off was my struggle.  But in no means, am I physical anatomy expert or have proper queuing although I'm learning.

I think sometimes my calling is to be a leader of some sort - to motivate people to lead healthier lives. My life long struggle with being happy and positive sometimes revert and I end up going to my old ways. But life isn't static.  We are individuals who go through experiences that change and mold us.  Study shows that our brains are more bendable then we think, although we often tell ourselves that "I'm an old dog. I can't learn new tricks."  We justify reasons for why we can't change.

I joined an online support group on self-confidence. I think I have come a long way. Others may think that I read all these self-help books and have gone to therapy for 30 years and it hasn't changed me. I beg to differ. I can now speak more comfortably in a group, thanks to Toastmasters. I am more confident than I was in my teen years, knowing that I don't have to be perfect.  

Sure, I have setbacks and I get into a depression, self-sorry cycle, but I realize it. And after 40 years, I know I have tools at my disposal to move on.  I have friends that love me and support me.  And I know now I can't make the world love me.  And I have let go of the fact that a person's action is not always about me. I know I can stop taking it personal because I used to think that way.  Because of my low self-esteem, I blame myself thinking with a negative attitude and internalizing. I'm constantly looking for approval.  I can blame childhood neglect for this --but whatever.  

Someone said, It's not always about you.  We are ego-centric by nature. After all, we are given 5 senses to see the world and it's through our own eyes.  Touch, vision (our camera), smell, hearing and... taste? Some have six. But that's how we navigate our world.

And that's all I have to say about that.  (---Forrest Gump)

Happy, Active and NOT Lurking

 Good Morning,

It's that time of the year... the time to write and update my blog.  I just finished my Mass Media course in pursuit of my intended technical certificate Social Media which I hope to attain by Spring 2025.  That's right, I have 1 like and 30 followers, but who's to say I cannot go in a field that I have energy and passion for. It can't go downhill from here.  Let's momentarily switch topics.

There once was a serial killer who admitted in an interview, that his parents had nothing to do with how he turned out. Well, hell. This man was from a typical white-bred middle class family who appeared to have love and support most of his life.  I come from a family that is not traditionally the same. We always seem to avoid blame or blame everything else but ourselves. Yes, I never grew up with the mentality of taking ownership because in the end, that leaves me feeling powerless. But yet, some people naturally gravitate toward this.  This came to a realization that I would avoid blame at all costs, including putting blame on someone else so I wouldn't look bad.

Last night I decided to watch a tutorial on Happiness for Teens that I put off for the longest time because I knew I don' have time for it. But it's an important topic. And I do want to know the happiness and well being of teenagers today, given that Generation Z appears to be the most depressed generation - says research. Turns out, that one of the cause of unhappiness in social media is how you approach it. There are many passive lurkers out there, that don't interact but scroll through social media -- adding to their mental state of mind.

Human behavior has been studied, according to Google, early 1900s. You'd be shock to think this field is relatively new. I chose Psychology as a second major in my college career back in the early 2000s because I was fascinated with the class in high school, child psychology. I wanted to know if we can control the outcome of a child's life through proper support, love and tools we give them, despite their genetics inclination. Well, if you circle back to that earlier statement I made about Dahmer, it simply indicates either he's lying and refuse to blame his father or the truth -- that we really can't tell the true motivation for a human's behavior.  Can we blame our parents for how we learn to live through "modeling" and what is acceptable and not acceptable?  This is the theory, "learned through modeling." Or do we do the opposite of what our parents did through the traumas we encountered growing up, vowing never to be like them?

In the end, the answer to happiness?  Is within. Is a state of mind. Stop trying to evaluate why someone loves or doesn't love you. You can't make the world love you.  Indeed, I grew up in a period of pop culture and all I ever wanted was to be famous and in the limelight.  Why, because that promises that you would be loved?  Did Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, or even Karen Carpenter feel loved? The anguish Karen felt not loving her body, or the anguish that Elvis felt, what fame brings into his life?

Food for thought.    

The Overseas Life

 February 14, 2024. It is a valentine's day, and what could be more appropriate than to wake up from a dream full of hopes, dreams, past loves and passions.  

First dream scene - Overseas: I dreamt that I was placed overseas again. I found my RAV 4 Toyota with my Floridian plate facing a busy baseball field. It is loud, very loud with young kids running around all over.  My car has been shipped yet again to a foreign land.  It is somewhere in Asia as I stepped out of my beautiful and roomy minimalist apartment into a scenery of palm trees.  My husband and I were in the American compound. This compound was full of different sized homes for different families. It even had a a changing/locker area.  We were welcomed by local Americans who was giving us a brief saying that white chocolates and treats are in the reception area.  I talked with another fella who was standing by my car and said you are more than just a drive over to the other side of the compound as there are other American single homes there.  Wow, my husband and I decide to drive, and walk to check it out.  

Truth: Yes, when you go overseas you are taken care of, in more ways than one. You are in a foreign land and the first thing you want to do is get your bearings. Nothing can be more daunting than to be lost and alone. 

Second dream scene - My husband takes me to a Mango museum and he told me to get down and greet the local. She gave me a mango and I proceed to eat it. My fingers are sticky so I look around for a bathroom and already there are other tourists lined up to wash their hands down the hall at a washroom. I see the tour has begun. A group is walking over there but I don't want to join my group. I see my husband in one group and proceeded to join him. But did we do the tour? No, because dreams don't make sense. I find myself waking up with the box of unopened mangoes and a receipt of the tour and I asked my husband, are we going back to the tour? Meanwhile,  my daughter is somewhere there, doing another activity with a friend. We decided to "return the tour." In my mind, this is Asia and returning things is not a way of life.

Truth: There is a lot to see and do overseas. You don't know if you'll get the same things as you do in American and sometimes you long for the conveniences and things you are used to. You can't take your life back. It is done.

Third and final dream scene - I mentioned earlier about passions. This one was a show rehearsal for an important BBQ event. I had one acting scene and I must remember it. We tried different takes and I finally found one that the director agreed with. It's the next day and I am LATE! I felt mortified being less than prepared but you know what, I did what I did, and showed up at my spot, and I delivered my lines. The other actor reacted. I showed my daughter, and told the other actors that "I am pursuing this acting passion in attempt to increase my confidence. But I didn't have to tell you that."  My daughter was there helping me choose the costume on delivery day. Although I missed portions of it, I did arrive and did deliver. I felt redeemed.

Truth: Just the night before, I was in a Toastmaster's meeting and without prior knowledge or preparation, I delivered a speech only seconds under a minute for this exercise called, "Table Topics" which focuses on impromptu speaking. It forced me to be spontaneous and think quick. I guess I wanted to inspire my daughter by hoping she would see that she was naturally good at this.  What a connection - to want more for her, as the line in "The Joy Club" says, "This feather brings with it, good intentions."   

A Look Back at 2023

2023 has been good to me. I lead SoulCore classes, I discovered what I wanted to do after Dept of State, and I worked on loving myself more. 

I had a wonderful counselor who was supportive of my journey and empathic at the same time. Sometimes having someone who gets you makes all the difference in the world. I am grateful my prayers have been answered. I’m grateful for the support groups to help me in my journey as well. I find that I do well with likeminded people and appreciate the support.

Every year people vow to lose weight. This year, I want to be grateful for my blessings. Being happier will help me to make better choices. The fact that I worked hard (maybe not smarter) to lose weight each time tells me that it doesn’t have to be difficult to attain a goal or even sharpening the saw (maintaining once goal is achieved). I also have a predisposition to be heavier. I need to love myself now, not when I am at my ideal weight.

So to end on a positive note, I’ve come a long way. I don’t need to be jealous of another’s gift when God has given me my own gifts. I am blessed for the things he has brought into my life this year to comfort me, and for providing what I need according to His timeline. Amen. 

December Reflections

 It's December, the most busiest time of the year (well sorta).  We are getting ready to shop, bake, get ready for Holiday parties, and travel to see our loved ones.  Sure it can get busy. Work is winding down, getting slower as we prepare for new objectives for the new year.

It's 3:19 AM and low and behold, I'm met by my fur-friend, Mittens. He loves me after all. I know I'm #3 on his list most of the time, LOL.

It's that time of year to reflect on this past year and set intentions for next year. 2023 has been a pretty good year. At the beginning of the year, I had high hopes of better managing projects and balance work life. I joined weight watchers support group again, continued Bible Study Fellowship online, and ran the SoulCore ministry.  I think next year will be more streamlined. I really know the art of juggling a lot but not mastering anything. I think I want to master the art of "gratitude." They say this is the most effective way to be happy and in a grateful mode daily.  Second, I want to spend more quiet time with the Lord, via adoration. I've been invited to be a key player in the Magnificat women's ministry. This must be a sign of great things to come. Last but not least, I want to eat healthier. I know my emotional eating has been an unending battle to fill a void, along with impulsive spending. It's the same story.

I'm grateful for my counselor, Jenny. Who gave me such great ideas to re-read my childhood journals and to write a letter to my younger self. This is part of my healing process. I'm grateful for the techniques she has taught me on boosting my self-confidence.  I'm grateful for the many work employee support groups I can join, including the Adolescent support group, and the Perfectly Imperfect group.  These are all initiatives to heal and challenge my inner critic.  Oh, and outward, nagging, annoying guilt-inducing, motherly critic LOL.

I hope and pray to stay focused on what matters and really not to sweat the small stuff. Driving these days can be a stressful thing for me. I just won't allow myself to let these non-drivers get to me. It's not worth my stress. Other offenses that come along the way. Well, all I can say is that I need to not fall to the bait of Satan. He wants us to be offended. He wants us to be miserable; and I can't allow it. Listening to lies has been my downfall.

That is it. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Spiritual Growth

 I want to begin this blog by saying, the I've not always been religious, nor have I been spiritual.  You could say I was reborn.  

In 2014, I lost my mother -- my only confidant and best friend. Dealing with her death was hard. I was also going through a lot with my family and job. I was a cradled catholic but I was not understanding what part it played in my life. I tried going to church every Sunday in Beligum, I couldn't understand a thing -- I was in a large Cathedral, with non-American speakers with accents reading from the bible. I didn't get my food through church.

I moved back to Florida in 2008 after my tour in Belgium. Things got bad. I lost my way with the Lord, I focused only on my daughter and maybe my job. Suddenly, reality hit me when I lost my mom in 2014. 

I made the drastic decision to go to Baghdad so that my family can stay in Florida. I must have seen death's ugly face because this was when my spiritual growth happened. I must have known that at any time, my life was danger, I knew where was home was. My heavenly home.

There was not much to do in Baghdad. You're confined to the compound.  So I spent time (not as a monk nor as a hunk as in the GYM) but I did bible study, fellowship time and I guess spiritual development time.  

One breakthrough, one evening, I was at bible study (women's study) and I broke out crying.  The topic was about Jesus and Love.  Then I realize that my MOM was love -- the unconditional love I had in my entire life. They say "blood is thicker than water." This is true of course, she was my "flesh and blood mother."  

So, thankfully, if it wasn't for my mother's death which was of course, untimely.  I don't think I would have grown closer to the lord.  Nothing questions our life here on earth until our mortality is tested.

About a month ago, I lost my new cat. He's in a happy home, a family that accepts him.  And I'm happy for him. But I feel the same lost and it's hurting right now.  I'm angry at the world and I don't understand why I tried getting love from the world.  I guess it's part of my spiritual growth too.

I need people and I need love.  But not in the same way as I had desired in the past. I guess we have to go through this journey ourselves to realize this.

SoulCore Ministry

 Many of you who know me, knows that I enjoy writing. I like to tell a story with my words. I wouldn't say communication is my strongest suit, but I have a gift with telling a story, paired with the ability to express myself artistically.

Today is September 20, 2023 and I can say that 9 months since my last entry of January flew by real fast. 2023 has been good to me for the most part. I was able to start and maintain my ministry of SoulCore at the church now, going on it's second year. It was rough. But I thank God for mentorship and the Holy Spirit to stay strong. I know that throughout life, what I thought was failure was actually a bridge to getting closer to success. My internal dialogue was not of that of a compassionate or best friend. I beat up my self way too much.  And it's not my fault. Nor can I lay it on society.  I grew up around many well-meaning people who are trying to teach me, whether it was with words of love, or words of criticism.  

On Sunday, I went to church as usual with the choir and remembered that I had volunteer to join Harvest Ministry to help recruit members for the Passion Play. I went on over and low and behold, a friendly face says, "Bo you have a table." I was surprised, "Me, you talkin to me." LOL.  Indeed. I did not consider SoulCore a true ministry really. Over the years at Saint Bonaventure, I participated in many ministries. You can say, I was following the voice of the Holy Spirit. Or maybe, it was Bo's internal voice saying, I like helping out. This is one way of me fitting in.  Happy to say, I feel like I finally belong.

I'm not going to turn this blog into a therapy session of my past, but I just wanted to let you all know, that I am happy with the progress I've made in this thing called Journey of Life. 

I'm not saying that being a people pleaser is bad; I'm not saying that trying to find love is bad; But I do want to believe the truth and that my friends, is what we all seek.  May God bless you.