Spiritual Growth

 I want to begin this blog by saying, the I've not always been religious, nor have I been spiritual.  You could say I was reborn.  

In 2014, I lost my mother -- my only confidant and best friend. Dealing with her death was hard. I was also going through a lot with my family and job. I was a cradled catholic but I was not understanding what part it played in my life. I tried going to church every Sunday in Beligum, I couldn't understand a thing -- I was in a large Cathedral, with non-American speakers with accents reading from the bible. I didn't get my food through church.

I moved back to Florida in 2008 after my tour in Belgium. Things got bad. I lost my way with the Lord, I focused only on my daughter and maybe my job. Suddenly, reality hit me when I lost my mom in 2014. 

I made the drastic decision to go to Baghdad so that my family can stay in Florida. I must have seen death's ugly face because this was when my spiritual growth happened. I must have known that at any time, my life was danger, I knew where was home was. My heavenly home.

There was not much to do in Baghdad. You're confined to the compound.  So I spent time (not as a monk nor as a hunk as in the GYM) but I did bible study, fellowship time and I guess spiritual development time.  

One breakthrough, one evening, I was at bible study (women's study) and I broke out crying.  The topic was about Jesus and Love.  Then I realize that my MOM was love -- the unconditional love I had in my entire life. They say "blood is thicker than water." This is true of course, she was my "flesh and blood mother."  

So, thankfully, if it wasn't for my mother's death which was of course, untimely.  I don't think I would have grown closer to the lord.  Nothing questions our life here on earth until our mortality is tested.

About a month ago, I lost my new cat. He's in a happy home, a family that accepts him.  And I'm happy for him. But I feel the same lost and it's hurting right now.  I'm angry at the world and I don't understand why I tried getting love from the world.  I guess it's part of my spiritual growth too.

I need people and I need love.  But not in the same way as I had desired in the past. I guess we have to go through this journey ourselves to realize this.

SoulCore Ministry

 Many of you who know me, knows that I enjoy writing. I like to tell a story with my words. I wouldn't say communication is my strongest suit, but I have a gift with telling a story, paired with the ability to express myself artistically.

Today is September 20, 2023 and I can say that 9 months since my last entry of January flew by real fast. 2023 has been good to me for the most part. I was able to start and maintain my ministry of SoulCore at the church now, going on it's second year. It was rough. But I thank God for mentorship and the Holy Spirit to stay strong. I know that throughout life, what I thought was failure was actually a bridge to getting closer to success. My internal dialogue was not of that of a compassionate or best friend. I beat up my self way too much.  And it's not my fault. Nor can I lay it on society.  I grew up around many well-meaning people who are trying to teach me, whether it was with words of love, or words of criticism.  

On Sunday, I went to church as usual with the choir and remembered that I had volunteer to join Harvest Ministry to help recruit members for the Passion Play. I went on over and low and behold, a friendly face says, "Bo you have a table." I was surprised, "Me, you talkin to me." LOL.  Indeed. I did not consider SoulCore a true ministry really. Over the years at Saint Bonaventure, I participated in many ministries. You can say, I was following the voice of the Holy Spirit. Or maybe, it was Bo's internal voice saying, I like helping out. This is one way of me fitting in.  Happy to say, I feel like I finally belong.

I'm not going to turn this blog into a therapy session of my past, but I just wanted to let you all know, that I am happy with the progress I've made in this thing called Journey of Life. 

I'm not saying that being a people pleaser is bad; I'm not saying that trying to find love is bad; But I do want to believe the truth and that my friends, is what we all seek.  May God bless you.

A Weight Loss Confession

Since I was a child, weight has not been an issue for me.  I was always a skinny child.  Growing up, my aunts and uncles would show me pictures of kids starving in Africa in an attempt to get me to eat.

Fast forward to my teen years when my self-image started developing. I started gaining weight and by high school, was highly self-conscious of my body.

Then I got into my early 20s, where I started making my own journal of self-improvement (today called the bullet journal). I wanted to be/do so many things. Top on that list was weight loss and self-care.  By 23 years of age, I had weighed an unhealthy 136 lbs and seen even my family members who've had weight struggles their entire life "grow thin" before my eyes.

My first tour in Ottawa at age 24, 2001 was when I successfully lost 24-25 lbs and was an Extra Small (XS) size. I had a before/after picture done at Goodlife Fitness but ended up using a different gym. Those who knew me then would have seen the transformation.  I saw a few personal trainers, logged my food and also saw a dietician who taught me how to portion my foods and if I over-ate to cut down on my next meal.  I was able to maintain this weight by the time I got to Paris and was there from 2002 to 2004. I think the key was staying healthy and finding gyms and a person to help me in my journey.  

I met and Married Jason in 2005 where my weight was still OK, not fluctuating too too much. The problem all started again after my pregnancy in 2008. The weight and lack of activity also contributed to the weight gain.

I was assigned to Florida when I decided it was time to take action.  At this time I wasn't entirely overweight but I had an ideal image to follow so I went to the gym again and found a trainer who helped me meet my goals, along with going to Weight Watchers.  By 2012, I was back down to XS again.  

Then came my assignment to Swaziland and after a year into the assignment my weight crept back up. I returned to Florida again after the stint to Swaziland and Baghdad (no success with weight loss too much free food access). I was probably a size Medium/Large I sought training and this time tried Quick Weight Loss.  In three months again I was back down to XS.

Moral of the story -- My weight in life has gone up and down a lot due to the adaption and stressors in my life. Weight loss success stories happened 3 times and I wouldn't say all of them were easy. The Quick Weight Loss was the hardest but I also LOST the most in a short time and gained it all back in about 9 months to a year's time.  I read a story of another gal who logged food, tracked every morsel only to find happiness in being a little heavier, if she could enjoy her foods and time with her family.

Now at age 47, I'm just hoping I have more energy to stay fit and the discipline to not turn to comfort foods for happiness.  Let's face it, as babies, when we cry we are fed.  Food is a solution to stress and discomfort, always has been.  Some people are more luckier and either have lucky genes or don't use food for comfort.

So for those people trying to keep a New Year's resolution, don't lose heart. Weight loss success is easy -- keeping it off (or as they say 7 Habits Author Steven Covey, "Sharpening the Saw") is the hardest. I would say, keep your weight goals realistic and think long term.

Weight Watchers and personal training 2012, 1 year to lose weight, 5’3” size XS

Quick Weight Loss, 3 months from  May 27, 2016 to August 23, 2016, 24 lbs lost, size XS

 Picture of me today, at size XL - Jan 2023

                                    

A Look Back at this Past Year

With only three more days remaining in 2022, one can only think about reflecting on the past year and how to improve upon the coming year.  

I want to say that 2022 wasn't a bad year at all, in looking back at the past three years. Despite the trials I faced and the disappointments, I was happy and couldn't ask for more. I had a good management and boss team, I got to be with my daughter and family in South Florida, and start my SoulCore ministry which I have tried to start since 2019. I think spiritually I have grown as well although I've had a few setbacks. It goes to show we are all human in the end.

Best memories of 2022.  Going on Spring break in April with the family. That was the best. Coming out of a depression and looking forward to a week of relaxation and no duties or work and truly disconnecting and connecting with families was the best.  Also, having a couple of weeks alone with the cat when Alyssa went to Canada with Jason. She was supposed to go alone but issues with the person taking her on flight didn't work out so Jason ended up going to Canada just the two of them.  The alone time was great. No rules, no worries, just me.

One hard lesson learned:  Well there were probably more than one, but I guess you can't always assume. You can't assume your best friend will be there for you. You can't assume that you can do anything and get away with it.  In the end, it catches up with you.  Be clear, be upfront and be cautious.  This scripture I will hold dear to my heart "Proverbs 4:23, NIV: Above All else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

One thing I did that I'm proud of: Actually made the deadline for signing up for dental insurance. Last year I missed the window but for Alyssa's medical. This year I actually set a reminder and I set a wrong date (Dec14 when the deadline was Dec 12). I frantically called the Benefeds and they said they would let me sign up -- that would have bene two years in a row I missed. You only have one month a year (open season) to sign up for insurance.

Now that I'm done reflecting, I'd like to focus on three things to look forward to in the new year.  I'd like to visit at least one new country or place next year.  I want to get better at letting go and moving on when others offend me. I tend to fixate.  Last but not least I want to try new volunteer activities that will allow me to discover hidden talents and joys that I have within. I know God didn't provide me with a single talent that stands out. Otherwise I wouldn't  have been a master of none, LOL.  I know I wasn't meant to be a soloist or a pianist, but I know the basics of managing people and processes.  And maybe some things about computer technology.  I'm basically ready to wind down.  So I end with this scripture for hope.  

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ” — Jeremiah 29:11

Where Did the Time Go

Bo's Log:  Supplemental.  Actually, that was always the start of Jean Luke's picard's introduction in the old TV television series, Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I think keeping a log is so important so I'm going to try and keep up this blog, even though it's been nearly a year since my last log entry.

So much has happened in almost a year and how fast 2022 has been.  I am happy to report the year has gone from getting better to incredibly awesome.  Yes!!  The covid hibernation and depressing days are nearly behind us.  As some of you may know, from following me previously on my entries, life has been on the rough edge, and in many cases, on the bit of the dark side.  I was depressed, unmotivated, and just wanted to escape. Yes, I've been through a lot.  I've been through a lot of disappointments, failures,  discouragements, and frustrations. TO the point where I wanted to truly give up -- why try?  But here I am. That's because I kept on hanging.

I'll start off with the recent projects I've been involved in.  Just lately, the Holy Spirit has been gently pushing my interest in rekindling the SoulCore project. I got certified in 2018 when I went to a SoulCore class at St. Joan of Arc church in Boca Raton and was hooked.  A friend and I were supposed to go to the retreat together and get certified but how things turn out doesn't always go as planned. I end up going alone but met some new supporters and friends who helped me start the classes in South Florida. Only problem was that I wasn't able to establish it because I moved to DC and my co-partner was not able to get the classes continued at the Parish.  Meanwhile, in Washington DC, I visited several churches only to have the door on me closed.  Yes, failures and discouragements, but I move on.  So now is my chance again -- will I be around South Florida to get it established for my community? Only God has the say I suppose.

Next, I started back with the Church Choir again. The ministry has been on pause also because of the covid, but when I started singing again with the group, I realized how much I missed singing. And it was so true, that singing is like praying twice. I want to improve my singing and my voice, but for now I'm glad to be in the church with my friends again. I know in the past, I felt like I went to far as to how much influence I wanted on the group - I was trying too hard to build a better team and improve things but sometimes, it's best to surrender and let God take care of it.  I will work on my own ministry now, the SoulCore project since I am the ownership of that.

Project 3 - I started getting back into exercise.  For those of you who have not seen me in two or three years, you would noticed I've put on 30-40 lbs. I attribute this to lack of a good diet in DC, along with the stressors I've faced. Thank you all for not judging me, and for not making a comment about how "heavier" I look. The only thing I got from a co-worker I haven't seen in 5 years was, "are you pregnant?" No I'm not. I wish, LOL.  Along with getting back to Zumba classes, cycle classes, going to the gym the last year has been a challenge to say the least. I've lost energy, I've lost motivation, but all I can say it's a work in progress. Oh, and I've started this new sport, "pickle ball" which is really great exercise. I have been taking dance classes, but truth be told, I have really been pushing myself. Some days I just didn't want to be there.  Again, I kept going.  

I've been involved in getting Alyssa's memory book up-to-date. I realized I dumped a lot of her school grade reports and work in a file in the cabinet and felt, as a mother, I should have done more with it. I look at my mother-in-law as an inspiration, as she did a great job with Jason's baby book and school book records, and made me realize, I should be a little more organized.  Not to say I wasn't involved in Alyssa's life enough, I was, but I guess I needed better prioritization.  This project was great -- I was able to remember all the details of all the years, rekindle with old folks via E-mail -- thank Goodness for the Internet age right? I can pinpoint down to the year she was in ice skating, gymnastics and horseback riding... I was even be able to find out who her friends were too during those years.  All through Facebook, GMAIL and google photos.  Recording grade 9 through 12 now should be a breeze if I was able to pull all this up.  If I can remember to fill it during and at the end of the school year and not 8 years later!!

Earlier this year, I got promoted at my office.  Many of you have heard of my frustrations with trying to get on the Foreign Service promotion list for years. Year after year, it's disappointment that I couldn't make the list. Well, I'm at that point where getting the recognition is nice, but I'm really ready to retire. I've been working in the government since I was 18 years old, I really can retire now. My passion is waning down, it's time for the younger folks to take over. Getting the promotion off the books is nice, it's like the recognition is finally catching up, after meeting up with so much frustration with previous management teams who were not supportive.  Even my training got denied in DC due to short staff, and someone had to back me up, saying "that was not right." Well, what can I say? Let go and let God.

Now, onto the news you guys are probably waiting to hear about -- my daughter Alyssa.  She has and will always be the spotlight in my life.  She has been cancer free now for two years.  It was so rough and a lot of people knew the emotional ride my family has been through with that. She graduated from the 8th grade this past June, with honors. I'm so proud of her, but most of all, she kept a group of great, supportive friends.  This year she also got confirmed, so I feel like she definitely has entered the rite of passage and is starting a new chapter at Archbishop High school.  May God be with her.

We had a family cruise in April with Jason's sisters, Lisa and Cindy, and his nephew, Michael. We had a blast!! The three of us have done several cruises, but to have a family cruise was a different experience and I truly enjoyed it. Getting back to work after that week was rough, but that's why vacations are so special. They come only once in a while so we have to appreciate those special moments.

We also spent a week for Christmas in Canada and it made me realize how much I miss being with family.  Again, I'm glad this covid craziness is nearly over!

To summarize this novel today, the year has definitely gotten better since covid hit.  Things are normalizing up, I'm so happy that my passions are being rediscovered and that my motivation is back.  I got to go back to in-person bible studies. I felt like this group helped my journey a great deal, we studied the Book of Matthew which was about the ministry of Jesus during his years on earth.  What a blessing it was.  Life has it's ups and downs, both Alyssa and I miss our old friends and old ways of life, but God has taught us we have to learn to move on and continue to count our blessings however big or small they are.  

Slowly, but Surely

It’s been six months since my last entry and things are moving positively in a good direction. Not as quick as I hope, but surely.  What is the saying again? “All in God’s timing?”

Alyssa can now bend to about 105 degrees and can easily do squats and bicycle machine.  I know it seems like such a long time, but we can only hope it will continue to be restored as time goes on.  Her physical therapist just said she should be done with therapy soon, and I ask her “but what about her full mobility” she said Alyssa will have enough to work on her own. So once the surgeon is ok with this decision, I hope she will allow Alyssa to continue personal training at the gym which will give her a chance to increase her flexibility.

Alyssa and I have been at the gym for may 2-3 months now. We are both getting stronger and able to lift heavier weights each time.  As for me, I am not on a drastic diet but I feel a bit better.  I have to thank God for the job to get me up each day and have a purpose.  I just am not in a place to start a drastic diet yet. Been there, done that, know what it requires. So again….slowly but surely.  My goal is to be strong enough and motivated enough to start up the SoulCore certification that I got back in 2018.  If God wills it, this will bring me even more energy and purpose to life. 

My job is going well. I feel proud that one of projects I managed is near completion and now I am given a few more responsibilities so I am at a good place now with meeting a work-balance.  I always want to make a difference, so if it is toward the end of my career that I see output of my work, so be it.  All in God’s hands and all in God’s plan.

Since it will be another six months or so until I jump on this blogger again, I wish you all a Happy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I am looking forward to spending the Holidays with family in Canada.  Not looking forward to the cold though.  But who’s complaining?

An Update Since September 2020

 It's been too long since I've updated my blog.  This year has gone by so fast.  It's now been nine months since Alyssa completed chemotherapy.  She's also still doing physical therapy although now she goes only once a week.  She's able to bend her leg to about 85 degrees but still cannot bend it all the way and this is a  year after her first surgery has taken place.  The therapist doesn't force her leg to bend anymore, but does different functional exercises to get her moving.

She goes for her third leg surgery on Thursday.  The screws that were part of the original surgery had come lose and they need to install a plate as they are unable to remove the screws.  Her second follow-up leg surgery was to remove the other screws attached to her growth plate in her leg and to add more bone graft to facilitate healing.  Still her leg is not healing as it should so they will be adding more bone graft on Thursday.

How is Alyssa feeling? She's not nervous, this will be her seventh surgery since her cancer journey started.  1) When she biopsy done to confirm she had cancer 2) Port installed for chemo treatment 3) appendix removed as it became inflamed 4) major surgery to remove cancer tumor in her femur and add cadaver bone and her own fibula bone 5) follow-up surgery to remove screws in her leg 6) removing port after cancer treatment.  And finally this one.  

She's a trooper that's for sure, and she's managed to maintain A average on her report card.  Only one term she got a "B."  She works hard and stays positive; even makes time to do ab workouts.  I'm proud of her.

Mother's Day was a great celebration.  Alyssa filled out a "mom and me" journal I bought from Target in 2019. It's good to see how she responds to questions in the journal that we both can relate to. She also got me a care basket and we, as a family, went to Pho (my favorite noodle soup place) for dinner.

As for me, I'm doing OK.  I've been teleworking now for 3 months and it's going OK.  Not so busy, but get to work on a high visibility project.  I'm still waiting to hear on my security clearance -- it was pulled in October which limits my ability to bid on assignments.  I don't know the reason for it, but I hope it gets reinstated soon.  It was mostly related to my panic attack when I was in DC and had to be hospitalized (voluntarily).  

Well, I'm just glad that Alyssa has been cancer free, her hair is growing and she's gaining weight.  We just hope she continues to grow on schedule.